Fast & Furious

I want to begin by saying I am a fan of this franchise. I do not know why, but the first 2 are movies I enjoy. I need to say this because the criticism that follows is not because I think these movies are repulsive or stupid. Well, I do think they are stupid, but in a big fun stupid kind of way. I very much wanted to enjoy the movie and when I was done watching it, I was so sure everyone would feel that way I did. They did not. People love it, so I am in the minority, but just know, I did not go into the movie thinking I would hate it, or wanting to hate it.

A big deal was made about the original 4 stars coming back. We get to see some of this right off the bat, as Dom(Vin Diesel) and Lettie(Michelle Rodriguez) are part of a team that is trying to steal gasoline from a massive gasoline truck that happens to be alone on a giant stretch of highway. The heist ends in a big explosion and Dom believes the team needs to split up and he needs to leave Lettie because the heat on him is too high. he leaves her. We then catch back up with Brian (Paul Walker) who is somehow an F.B.I. agent. he is chasing a guy through a street and gets name off of him. We catch back up with Dom after Lettie is killed and Dom must come back to America. Dom is after Lettie's killer and Brian is after a giant drug kingpin. What were the odds this was the same person? What were the odds this kingpin needs street racers! This is the perfect set up for a series of chases, gun fight, fist fights and explosions, right? WRONG! This turns out to be the perfect set up for a drama so wrought with homoerotic tension, the Volley ball scene in Top Gun got jealous.

I am sure I am supposed to begin with a joke about the definite articles being eliminated from the title, but I want my joke to be about the title. I want my joke to go like this: "Fast and Furious?, yeah right more like sort of speedy and kind of reckless." It is not a very good joke, but this movie does not deserve a good joke. This movie has everything it needs to be awesome: Fast cars, guns, Vin Diesel's arms, hot chicks and faster cars. How could they possibly screw it up? Well, with a movie that runs 110 minutes, there should have been twice as much action. First off, the entire opening sequence should have been awesome, but they broke a cardinal Kyle sin: They blew it all in the trailer! If something is the best thing you have, do not give it away in the trailer! ARGH! Second, there are only two actual car chase scenes. They are both pretty awesome, but only 2? And I had to wait until the very end to get one of them. Third, why give us a potentially confusing story. We do not care, we just want to watch Vin Diesel tear guys up. He does not get angry enough for me, here. The dude has tree trunks for arms and he should be swinging those bad boys more often. Even in terms of guilty pleasure, Fast and Furious disappoints. Some of the cheesy lines exist, but there is nothing as classic as "I live my life a quarter mile at a time."

I do not want to leave anyone with the impression that it is all worthless, because the climatic chase through a long tunnel is pretty cool and that chase has a satisfactory ending and the chase earlier through the streets of Los Angels has some really cool stuff and I liked the way the GPS was used to maneuver us through the 4 cars in that race. Also, everyone is is extremely hot. Diesel looks more buff than ever, Walker is still pretty, Michelle Rodriguez, in her one scene looks great and Jordanna Brewster looks great in clingy sweaty sun dresses. Also, the cars are sexy looking and the girls used as set dressing all have banging curves. I am sure people will love/hate all of the homoerotic tension between Diesel and Walker. I kept waiting of them to just kiss and get it over with. it is all very sweet. They are so Bromantic I expect Judd Apatow to make a movie starring them.

However, the most disappointing thing about Fast and Furious is that I did not get to go with Erik and we did not get to ask for tickets to 4 Fast 4 Furious. Hopefully we will get to do it for 5 Fast 5 Furious!

Final Grade: C-