Any English major worth his weight has read Beowulf. I am one such English major. I have read the epic poem no less than 3 times, not because of the language but because the story and themes of pride and greed are just as prominent today as they were when this poem was first created. It is funny that a poem featuring a lead character concerned with having his story told forever is still being taught, read and now viewed. At first I was excited at the prospect of a Beowulf movie. The battle of Grendal alone is worth watching in today's FX era. Then I heard it would be completely shot using that Motion Capture Sensor thing that video games made famous and Peter Jackson used flawlessly with Gollum and I was worried. Then I saw trailers and was totally turned off to the movie. The video game feel of the characters were not appealing, but the reviews were favorable. I didn't make it out to opening week and I still wanted to see it, but it became less of something I needed to do. Well I finally made it out and watched it.
Beowulf (voiced by Ray Winstone) is a hero of the highest order. He is also prideful, horny and self important. Hrthogar(A creepy Anthony Hopkins animation) Is a king in need of a hero because a monster named Grendal(Crispin Glover) is terrorizing his kingdom- killing people, trashing his hall and turning fire blue (ooooh creepy, right? blue fire, wow!). Beowulf is up to the task of fighting the Monster Grendal. With the disposing of Grendal, Beowulf and the kingdom celebrate, but that night Grendal's mother takes out her revenge and murders some large number of people. Well now Beowulf must kill Grendal's mother. Sounds easy until he sees that Grendal's mother looks an awful lot like a naked Angelina Jolie (with heels as part of her feet, dope). Naked, glowing Jolie strokes Beowulf's sword until it melts into a silver semen looking substance while she entices Beowulf with promises of being a king and being known forever, if he will give her a child. Beowulf nails the sex organ-less naked computer version of Mrs. Pitt, but tells the kingdom he killed the bitch. Hrthogar admits Grendal was his kid and after promising the crown to Beowulf he kills himself. The story jumps pretty far into the future where Beowulf is king and demolishing all attackers. The golden cup comes back to him (he would be free from Grendal's mother as long as she possessed the cup) and Beowulf starts to freak out. A dragon is unleashed on the kingdom, Beowulf must face his pride, his greed and his sexual conquests and he must defeat the dragon.
To say this movie merely sucks is mocking things that merely suck. This movie is an embarrassment to things that suck- Jenna Jameson, Vacuums and Finding Nemo. This movie tries so hard to be epic, but it is at times so bad that I laughed out loud at what I was watching. Beowulf is naked as he fights Grendal, but in Austin Powers fashion, his computerized penis is blocked by other phallic looking things. The people do not move smoothly, but in stilted, disjointed movements like cinematic zombies move. The voice work of Ray Winstone is so over the top, I chuckled every time he shouted "I am Beowulf." Okay dude, we get it. You like your name. I know Beowulf is the kind of guy who shouts his own name during sex. There is an ample amount of violence, but the camera movements are trying too hard to be epic. Epics just are. They just exist as epic things. You cannot be epic by trying to be epic. It is equal to being awesome. You either are or you are not. if you are trying to be awesome, you just look like a moron trying to be awesome. This movie is a moron trying to be epic. Angelina Jolie's computerized face rips all expression from her face and reduces her to a naked SIM's looking character. Sure, even though she is glistening in gold she looks impressive naked, but when she speaks it juts doesn't look right.
This Motion Capture nonsense has got to stop in regards to human characters. If you have the people, just do it for real. Motion Capture is perfect for video games, but I don't want to watch a video game for 8 bucks. I want to be able to play a video game for a week for 8 bucks. Grendal looks pretty good, although he looked like a left over from a Troma film like Swamp Thing. The only thing that looked even remotely good in the movie was the Dragon. The Dragon with long fierce looking wings and extremely detailed skin is massive compared to everything else. He towers over all and the fire he spits from his mouth is bright, alive and the hues of orange and yellow almost pop off the screen, well almost. Granted I did not see this in the 3-D format, but after knowing that it would have cost me more money, I have to say I am glad I didn't. This will not go down as the worst movie I saw this year, thanks Pirates 3, but it will go down as a crash burn unparalleled to other sucky movies Robbie enjoys. Yeah, that's right, I mentioned you by name. When the movie finally ended (2 Hrs. for this shotty film!!) the guy behind me had it right: He let out a huge yawn and stormed out. I could not have said it or put it any better myself. The Epic Poem, written in an archaic language and being too long, was never ever this boring. Robert Zemeckis has officially lost his ability to create good movies. All of his past success has been overshadowed by a hallow, special effect heavy, borefest.
2 comments:
Now listen,
You are making it sound as if I loved this movie.
NOT THE CASE, but I did like it and found it rather enjoyable.
The nakedness was a bit comical.
Truthfully, I think you were sitting in the audience just trying to think of smart quips about the movie throughout. In fact, I had heard you give this exact review BEFORE the movie came out.
Now, was it as awesome as I was hoping? No. The character designs were awesome though and the animation incredibly detailed. The acting from several of the people was pretty damn good (Glover and Hopkins mainly). There were a few moments though with the "dead eye" thing that existed with "The Polar Express."
The background characters were not that well animated.
But seriously: how many movies that you think are crappy do I like (not including comedies)? Huh? Cheap shot mother fucker, cheap shot.
I actually have no idea what you thought of the movie because you have not yet reviewed it. I was just going off your anticipation, so yes I did throw cheap shots at you, but would you expect anything less?
Also, I did not want to dislike this movie. I don't typically pay $7.25 plus $8.00 for snacks for something I think I will hate (Pirates 3 is the exception) but I will admit that about half hour in I did start just thinking of smart quips because that was the only thing keeping me entertained.
I will agree that Glover was veryg ood.
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