The 10 movies I hate the most (special 200th post!!)

Seeing as how it is my 200th post, I thought I would do a list that would fill me with all kinds of holiday joy, and what better way to do so than to make a list of the 10 movies I just loathe. Now there are some ground rules for this particular list and they are as follows:
1. They had to have theatrical releases. This knocks out all of those awful direct of video movies I used to watch.
2. I had to sit through the entire movie because if I left it early I have no idea of knowing if the movie got better
3. I have to remember hating it. So many movies are forgettable, but these had to be 10 I actively hate.
Without further waiting here we go.

10. Eyes Wide Shut- Kubrick is a god to most film geeks like myself. I have never thought that. I admit he is good, but I find most of his movies to fall into the overrated category. I may get shot for saying that, but that is how I feel. However, none of his movies were bad. Well, until he died and this piece of garbage was released. Billed as a weird sexually charged thriller, this movie has about as much heat as a freezer. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were married in real life, but their on screen chemistry was non existent and the story never fully made sense. The censors wouldn't let the orgy scene be shown as desired, but that did not matter because that scene was not very good anyway. It was not a compelling or provocative picture; it was a boring, useless waste of nearly 3 hours of my life. I should have felt dirty because of how erotic the picture was, not because I couldn't believe how bad it was.


9. Failure to launch- Now I am not normally a fan of Romantic Comedies to begin with and the naked bongo playing Matthew McConaughey does not help in any of these movies. This one, though, takes the cake of suckiness. Sarah Jessica Parker and her odd nose co star in a movie that is so bad, the girl who forced me to go to it apologized to me afterwards. Teri Bradshaw is the dad who is naked for no reason and animals seem to talk and make weird noises, serving no real purpose except to aggravate me to no end. As far as Romantic Comedies go, this is bottom of the barrel crap with a story so revolting I was over it 10 minutes in. At some point I just sat and stared at the wart on Sarah Jessica Parker's face and wondered if it got separate billing for the movie.





8. Hollow Man- Kevin Bacon is a great American icon but usually when he plays villains it goes horribly wrong. This may have been the movie to start it all. The idea of a guy becoming invisible is infinitely interesting and while some dark creepy things happen that make me want to like this movie, the ending really just blew every chance for that to happen. For some reason when he goes under and becomes invisible, he also becomes indestructible. They never mention that the science of being invisible made one immune to burning and being shot, but it happened in this god awful movie. The effects were cheesy at best and while it touches on the creepy aspects of being invisible, it never does anything fun at all. I think someone who was invisible would start off doing fun things and then work his or her way into things like undoing the clothes of sexy sleeping people, but this goes right for the rape. What fun is that?!?


7. Saw IV- This is a new entry into this particular list because it was just released in October of this year, yet it was so god awful i can already put it on this list. In a long list of horror movies that defy logic, this one in the most illogical of them all. I am not against the grotesque torture porn in these movies, so that is not my problem. My problem is the absence of anything interesting, scary or funny in this movie. A dead killer still finding ways to kill people and entire flashback sequences serving to hope to fill the gaping plot holes do not help matters at all. I know these movies require no thought, but I truly believe apes wrote this movie, having not seen any of the other ones because who needs things to follow a pattern at all. No, not the screen writers for Saw IV. Who cares if the acting sucks in these things because all we want is awesome traps and scares but this movie is so bogged down in a plot that makes no sense that they forgot what people really want- fun deaths. Enduring this movie was a case of torture porn in itself.


6. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon- The first real critically acclaimed movie on my list was so bad my brother fell asleep, which is the only reason I watched the whole thing. It was supposed to be a breathtaking epic, but instead it was slow, boring and even the fights were all things I had seen in Asian cinema before. Basically it was nothing new or exciting and the story was so dour, it really took away from the fighting. Plus, there was like a 30 minute flashback that I did not need in order to understand what was going on. Talk about not trusting your audience. The dialog does not flow in any way and the characters all seem stock. They aren't characters as much as they are things in the way of Ang Lee's shots. I went in not expecting much and I ended up getting even less than that. I know people believe this to be a magical journey through flying Chinese people and their boring romantic lives, but for me it was just a waste of money and time.



5. The Blair Witch Project- Like Crouching Tiger, I saw this only because of the way critics loved it. This was a new inventive way of shooting a horror movie and they did it for cheap! I have no idea where the money went or where the scares were in this dud of a movie, but they certainly were not in the thing I was watching. It went on to be parodied endlessly and is often talked about as being a monumental movie for those people who want to make good movies on a small budget, but they forget to mention the movie sucks! The publicity stunts to make this seem like a true story was semi interesting but the acting, writing, camera work and over all story lack being good. Instead it is a dizzying, poorly shot, badly executed vomit inducing mess. It does not induce vomiting because of the shaky camera, but because of how much it blows.



4. Napoleon Dynamite- This might just be the least funny comedy to ever be a big hit, ever. I mean, ever. Nothing in this movie made me even smile. I wanted to kill myself and everyone involved with this kid friendly obnoxiousness. The lead character is not at all likable and his goofiness is not charming or affable. No, instead he is one of the most detestable movie character ever. You may think I am exaggerating here, but I hate him more than Will Ferrell's Ron Burgandy and I didn't watch that whole movie! Of course a girl made me watch this, which is the only reason I made it through, but I still have yet to find one redeeming quality to this badly put together "comedy." Jon Heder is now making a career out of playing this same deplorable man child and it is all the fault of the idiots who thought there was true comedy to be found inside this disgusting excuse for a movie.




3. Contact- I saw this at my theater, for free, and felt robbed. Let me begin by saying that this movie is 152 minutes long and it is supposedly about aliens and it supposedly begins with a sound. What they don't tell you is that we go 40 minutes until we even hear the sound, which means we get 40 damn minutes of exposition and bad Jodie Foster acting. After she finally hears the sound it is another 100 minutes until the machine is built and she heads off into space to find aliens. (SPOILERS!!!!) However, she does not meet aliens, no, she meets her dead father!! The whole thing is like in her mind, WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?! I just waited 140 minutes to see some freaking aliens and it turns out to not even be aliens?? Oh HELL NO! My butt hurt from the time raping I took watching the entire terrible thing. God, I get angry just thinking about it now!




2. Alexander- This might just be the single most boring movie I ever sat through. It is 3 hours long and in that 3 hours, nothing happens. War happens, but it is barely seen and Alexander conquers a lot of lands, but it doesn't seem like it actually happens, we are just told about it. Also, the acting is so unbelievably bad by all parties that they should revoke Angelina's Oscar for it. Much was made of the overt Homosexuality in the movie but those people were not watching the same movie I was because there was no overt homosexuality. This movie was too afraid to really delve into Alexander's gay ways because the entire aspect of the movie is done with just longing looks between two guys. it was almost offensive how timid Oliver Stone was to show anything sexual between two guys. The only redeeming quality was the Rosario Dawson nudity but even that is overshadowed by how badly that scene is shot. Erik and I kept almost leaving but we thought at least 1 good battle had to happen. We were wrong, very very wrong.


1. Pirates 2 and 3- This should probably not come as any surprise to anyone who knows me very well. These movies are worlds more offensive to the words "movie" "cinema" or "film" than any movie I can remember. Shamelessly pandering to the stupid fan girls these movies make absolutely no sense whatsoever. They are bogged down by unusually long and needless plots, bad special effects, horrible acting and just a horrid sense of knowing how to make a movie. Obviously slumming it for the hefty paycheck, Johnny Depp is at his absolute worst in the final two installments of what was a great idea, once upon a time. The forced romances come from every where and none of the characters really truly belong together and with a very unsatisfying ending in which Orlando Bloom pretends to be a bad ass (he is really sucky at that), these two movies combine to show all of the ways a movie can go wrong. With hardly any worthwhile action sequences and rocks that turn to crabs and all kind of other just god awful, atrocious and deplorable cinematic acts, these movies make me physically ill when I even think about them. Not even the fans of these movies can give me good reasons for liking them because even they know just how dreadful they are.


So there they are, the 10 movies I hate the most. For the record I have walked out or turned off 5 movies and they are- From Hell, The Grudge 2, The Astronaut's Wife, Meet the Parents and Anchorman. Feel free to add any movies you hate or even more interesting to me: movies you walked out on. Also, feel free to defend any of the movies on my list.