Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

The only real reason I can give for wanting to see this movie is that while I am against violence in real life, sometimes I like to watch movies where a lot of people die in crazy ways. The first AVP did not give me enough of that but this one was rated R and that could only mean good things for me. The concept of this movie is grounded in the Freddy Vs. Jason success but they screwed it up originally by declawing it making trying to market it so anyone could it. However, it looked as if they rectified that this time around and I knew some people who watched the first five minutes online and was told by them that it looked like the action and death quotient were pumped up big time. This could only mean good things, right?

I am not going to bog this down with a lot of plot because there isn't much of one. Essentially The Aliens end up in a tiny Colorado town and the Predator follows them to kill them. In the mix are thrown stock human characters- a nerdy guy, the hot girl he wants, a local sheriff, the former convict just come back to town, a bully and a few other archetypes. Also, there is a hybrid Predator/Alien thing that is playing for team Alien. However, Aliens and Predators both take no pity on the humans this time around as they are all for killing them. The Predator has a ton of cool gadgets this time out and he seems to be of a high intelligence than the Aliens. Nothing that happens with the humans is remotely interesting enough to mention except the hot girl filling out a bikini nicely and the camera perfectly framing her ass for all of us to enjoy.

As far as action movies go, this is perfectly average. There are some great moments where people get killed and cool shit happens, but often time so much of the action happens in the dark that I could not always tell who was an Alien and who was a Predator. It got even worse when the hybrid came into play totally messing with me. I enjoyed parts an awful lot and then didn't like at all. I liked that the movie strayed from conventions and killed whoever they wanted- children and pregnant women- but I never felt like I was rooting for anyone. I wanted all of the humans to die, but I wasn't rooting for the Aliens or the Predator, I was just rooting for awesome action and every time I thought I would get it, the scene would get too dark or the editing would happen too quickly or the rain would be too thick and I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy myself. Don't get me wrong, this is a step in the right direction, but I am not sure they are quite there yet with this franchise. The ending seems to be a nod at the Alien franchise, like maybe these movies are actually prequels of some sort or maybe the directors are just trying to tie them to the original franchises.

I am not saying this is a complete waste of a movie because there were moments where I felt drawn in and was having a damn good time, but I guess I was still hoping for more of that or at least have it be more visible. There isn't a whole lot of gore although what gore there is, is effective and made me cheer a little bit, but overall this is not what I was hoping for when I saw the new rating or what I saw from the trailer, which made the movie look awesome!

Overall Grade: C-

National Treasure: Book of Secrets(spoilers I guess)

Very few things make me happier than the guilty pleasure of a bad action/comedy, especially ones starring Nicolas Cage. Even better is that this movie is a sequel making the claim that every president writes in a secret book!! How awesome is that? National Treasure was a fun romp that just wore out it's welcome, but due to the success at the box office I knew the day would come for this sequel. I also knew it was going to be the family Christmas movie, but I worried that it too would just be too long of a movie. Was it?

Ben and Patrick Gates (Cage and Jon Voight) are talking about their forefather who they say helped keep the south from finding gold after the Civil war. However, Mitch Wilkinson(Ed Harris using a southern accent, some of the time) claims their forefather actually helped plan the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. He may even have been the mastermind. Out to prove Wilkinson wrong, The Gates family sets off on a treasure hunt to find what they believe to be a city of Gold. First they gather up the usual suspects, Riley Poole(A Pretty funny Justin Bartha) and Abagail(Diane Krueger). Abagail is resistant at first because she and Ben used to be lovers, but she knows deep down she still cares about him. Their quest takes them first to France, then to Buckingham palace and eventually to The Oval Office. The Free Masons left clues on everything they built and every clue leads closer to the treasure, but when they try to find the clue in the Oval Office it is gone and they are stuck. Never fear, every president writes in a Book of Secrets! And Ben Gates knows the perfect way to get a hold of it- Kidnap the President! Say what? Well The President turns out to be an understanding guy and he helps out Gates and soon The Gates family, Wilkinson, Poole and Abagail are all inside Mount Rushmore weaving through secret passages and crazy traps!

Much like the first one this movie has some good points, some ridiculous points and it has an ending that just goes on and on and on. Bartha gets a lot of laughs with his line delivery and honestly watching Nic Cage go nuts for no real reason is always good times! Some of the treasure stuff is fun and exciting, although we know no one is really in danger because this is a Disney Franchise and main Characters in Disney Franchises do not die, Just ask Jack Sparrow. It is never as exciting as it wants to be and it never ventures into new territory and while it features a fairly entertaining car chase, I felt like I had seen that car chase a dozen or so other times. I think that is the biggest problem with the movie- I have seen it all before and done better. Brenden Frazier makes a better comic foil than Nic Cage and Harrison Ford is certainly a better treasure hunter, but this movie will make a ton of money and the ending of this sets up for a third one that should leave the audience wondering "What's on page 47?" but all it did for me was make me wonder "Will Jack Sparrow come into play for the third one?"

John Turtletaub(The Director) has proven himself to me to be someone who can create tension and drama and even deliver action, at least on the small screen with Jericho, but he seems totally lost here. I am not sure if a bad rushed script is solely at fault or if Turtletaub gets bullied by Jerry Bruckheimer into doing things Bruckheimer's way, but all of the creativity of Jericho is missing here. Now I readily admit that my being sick may have hindered a bit of the comedy, but I did feel there were some very funny moments. For example Cage pretending to be drunk and mocking the English Police gave me some laughs. Also, I must mention Diane Krueger's breasts because they are the key focus of a 3 or 4 minute scene and they may be the best, most exciting and interesting things anywhere in the movie. Be warned that not only will you have to sit through 10 to 15 minutes of trailer, you will have to sit through an 8 minute animated short film starring Goofy trying to put together a home theater system.

Final Grade: C-

Charlie Wilson's War

I am admittedly a huge Aaron Sorkin fan. His dialog, stories and politics often make for a great mix of high drama and hilarious comedy. He hasn't written for the big screen for a while, and this was his return, so I was incredibly excited. Add to the mix Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks and this movie became one of my five most anticipated movies for the end of the year., if you remember my list a few months back. However, when I saw the running time was only 95 minutes, I began to worry that the movie was just too swiftly edited and maybe there would be important things missing. Then again, maybe the 95 minute running time would just perfect.

Charlie Wilson(Hanks) is a Texas congressman in the 1980s notorious for loving girls, booze and even a little cocaine. He is a nothing congressman from a nothing district and because of that fact his vote seems to always be for sale, which means a lot of people owe him a lot of things. He hires only really hot girls, and the girls all seem to love showing off their bodies in tight clothes. Wilson doesn't seem to care about much, but he is very interested in Afghanistan and their fight against cold war foe, Russia. One day he gets a call from Texas socialite, Johanne Herring(Roberts), who convinces him to come back to Texas and watch a documentary about the war going on. She also sets up for Wilson and his secretary, Bonnie Bach(The delightful Amy Adams) a trip to visit Afghanistan to see what is really going on. Upon returning from an eye opening experience, Wilson wants the C.I.A in his office, and while he wanted a high level C.I.A guy, he gets Gust Avrakotas(Phillip Seymour Hoffman). Gust and 3 other guys make up the entire team trying to covertly help Afghanistan, but with the backing of Wilson and all the I.O.Us he can collect, soon the team has a lot more members and they start to make a real impact. Based in truth, Wilson helped up the covert budget from 5 million dollars to a whopping half a billion dollars. Afghanistan defeated Russia and everyone lives happily ever after. Or as Gust says to Charlie in a very poignant, depressing, make-you-think scene "We'll see."

Shot, edited and scripted at a break neck pace, this movie is picture perfect for the first 70 minutes. The final 20 kind of lag except the closing scene which, while rewritten to avoid law suits, screams at any astute human who has even a remote passing interest in politics. Hanks is very well adept to handling Sorkin's rapid fire, quick witted dialog and while Roberts doesn't actually do much, she is her charming best and works that southern belle perfectly. Yet, the real star of this show is Phillip Seymour Hoffman. As a moustached, no nonsense lover of America, Hoffman works the hell out of the character with a gruff disposition and quick tongue. He deserves an award nomination, and when he is on screen the entire movie lights up. The dialog is funny and almost all of it works and even the stuff that won't have you falling out of your seat with laughter will have you smiling and chuckling. Director, Mike Nichols is an old pro at these political movies, but he doesn't get overly bogged down in the politics of the movie. He lets Sorkin's script speak for itself and he handles the physically comedic scene so well, I felt I was watching an incredibly funny Tom Stoppard play. Unfortunately the biting ending had to be changed due to legal issues, but Sorkin still manages to get a very dark sense out of it and it wraps up America perfectly, I think.

What makes this movie not perfect is what seems like a 15 minute montage of what happens after the war ends. I am not sure how else to go about it and maybe you just forget a good portion of it, although I am not sure the end would pack as much a punch without it. So maybe you just find a better way to do it, but save for those moments, this is one of the funniest, fasted paced movies I have seen all year. It is not a movie for everyone, but anyone with half a brain will love Sorkin's signature dialog and anyone can appreciate Tom Hanks in top form as a man transitioning from a playboy to a very serious politician without losing his sense of fun and his sense of keeping really hot girls around him. The scenes taking place in Afghanistan are little brushed over and I am not sure we get the full emotional connect we could have got from them, but at the least the scenes of war are fast and are only shown to further the story. It is based in truth which makes the whole thing more interesting and scary, to be honest, but it never feels like merely a re-telling of fact. It is so much more than that, so much more.

Final Grade: A-

Sweeney Todd

Who better to tackle the slasher musical of Sweeney Todd than Tim Burton? No one that is who. It appears to be the perfect marriage of material to director and while Johnny Depp has toiled in being Mickey Mouse's personal hooker for the last few years, he seemed the perfect actor to tackle Tim Burton's Benjamin Barker/Sweeney Todd. The trailers were brilliant for those of us who knew what Sweeney Todd was. The Posters were perfectly creepy and intriguing. I could not have been more excited to see this movie adaptation of The Demon Barber's story. I have been unusually easy on the musicals that have been brought to the screen these last few years, finding things to like about The Producers and Rent, because I just enjoy watching musicals, but this movie would be something different. This movie was a marriage of so many great aspects that I knew it would be good. Was it?

Benjamin Barker(Depp) has a lovely bride and a lovely new born, but that is all ripped away from him when Judge Turpin(The ultra erotic exuding Alan Rickman) lays his eyes on his wife and puts Barker up on false charges and send him away. years later Barker returns a different man. he has a Rogue from X-Men white streak in his Einstein hair, he is pale white with awful bags under his eyes and he sings a dark, dreary tale of London. He is going by Sweeney Todd now and he has revenge on his mind. He meets up with Mrs. Lovett(Helena Bonham Carter) who tells him what happened to his wife and child and from there Sweeney has vowed to kill the judge. Sweeney sets his barber shop after beating Perrelli(Sascha Baron Cohen) in a barber-off and right quick, Judge Turpin is in his chair. They sing "Pretty Women" in the most normal scene int he movie, but before he can kill the judge they are interrupted by Anthony(the Homely looking Jamie Bower) telling Sweeney that he is going to rescue Johanna( The cleavage bearing Jayne Wisener) from the evil Judge. Johanna is Sweeney's missing daughter, adding to Sweeney's desire to murder the Judge. After this missed chance, Sweeney decides he is going to murder people for a living and Mrs. Lovett will bake them into pies and life will be good. But mostly, Sweeney still wants to get the Judge.

Before I begin reviewing this movie allow me say a few things. First off, I prefer acting to singing, so if the actor is perfect in the portraying of the character, I am okay with not super strong singing. Secondly, I am not a Sweeney Enthusiast, and lastly, I believe in separating source material from adaptations, so I will review this solely as a movie, mostly. Tim Burton has directed his most Tim Burtoniest movie ever. The whimsical magic of Big Fish is here. The creepy melancholy feel of Edward Scissorhands is here. The opening credits are Willy Wonka with blood instead of chocolate and the outright gore of Sleepy Hollow is also here. Visually this movie is about as stunning as I have seen this year. The dark, bleak look of Burton's London is gorgeously haunting and his camera work through the city in various places is breathtaking. All of the acting is top notch, except Cohen and Timothy Spall. Cohen's Pirelli's showmanship is too over the top for this movie and Spall is just bland in every way and his looks just don't seem right to me. Depp is better than he has been in like a decade, which isn't saying much, but his less angry, more morose Sweeney really worked for me and Carter is always a joy to watch and the look over her pie shop is another beautiful bleak picture. Rickman is a stand out and the young Ed Sanders is great and Toby, even if the movie robs him of a great moment in favor of something ridiculous.

That is about where the pluses end for me. This is such a great story and it has been botched in movie form. I am not sure why Burton decided to go with this glossy looking red for blood and why he decided blood would spill out of necks like a Tarantino flick, but it had me laughing hysterically throughout and I know that was not the desired effect at all. General creepiness gave way at about the 45 minute mark in favor of all out over the top gore and the final scene featuring the most ridiculous looking blood and splatter I have seen this side of a low rent Zombie movie. The final moments should be a lot of things but they should not be a laugh riot and that is what it amounted to for me and 70 other people in the theater. It took me right out of the picture and into some direct to video piece of garbage and it is beneath everyone involved. The movie should be epic but there were just things missing for me. I didn't mind the less than huge voices on the leads, as I think Depp's voice really added to his character, and "By The Sea" is a great number, vastly exceeding so many of the other songs.

I really did not think Burton could screw this up, but sometimes things that seem like perfect marriages, fail miserably and while this isn't miserable it is nowhere near what it could have been and should have been . A lot of the blame lies with Screen writer John Logan who should be better at this seeing as how he only writes big epics, but maybe he just doesn't understand this story. I am not entirely sure what I was looking for, but the pacing was off and while some of the great sexual tension and deep dark sexual undertones are there, especially when Depp has Rickman in his chair (Wow, really) it just feels incomplete in some way. It is worth seeing for sure, but I wanted to be scared or creeped out, not in tears from laughter!

Final Grade= B-

Juno

It seems that most years find a way to way to let some indie movie darling into the hearts of critics and movie goers everywhere. Sometimes it is justified(Little Miss Sunshine) and sometimes it is not(My Big Fat Greek Wedding) but it happens almost every years and this year Juno is that indie movie. Juno has been called the female Knocked Up and been given all kinds of praise, most notably for the lead actress, Ellen Page. Some of us already knew about her potent on screen presence from Hard Candy, which might be the scariest movie ever and others remember her as Kitty Pride from X3, but this is her breakout movie, in the words of critics everywhere. Well, any movie championed for dialog is a movie that is going to pique my interest, so I was excited for it, very excited for it. Of course, often these kinds of movies end up disappointing, how did this one fare?

Juno(Page is a 16 year old girl with a wit and intelligence beyond her years, but the judgement of your normal teenage girl. After a night where she had sex with her best guy friend, Paulie Bleaker(Michael Cera) because she was bored, she gets pregnant. Her father(J.K. Simmons) and step mother(Allison Janney) are incredibly understandable and actually handle the news with a smart wit of their own. Juno's best female friend, Leah(Olivia Thirlby) helps her pick out possible adoptive parents and they eventually land on a yuppie couple, Mark and Vanessa Loring (Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner) and it seems to be a perfect fit. Vanessa is a kind and tender woman dying to be a mother, and Mark and Juno click over music and movies. Paulie appears to be infinitely understanding and loving, but the movie focuses on Juno's growing up. Juno realizes she is in love with Paulie, but her smart aleky outer confidence won't allow her to admit she is in over her head. She has a quip for everything but every so often when she lets her guard down we see a scared teenage girl not sure how to go about life.

This is not the perfect movie people are making it out to be but it still a very funny, charming and endearing movie and the perfect vehicle to make Ellen Page a star. Her dry sarcastic delivery is perfectly balanced with the under current of self doubt she brings to Juno. As the parents, Simmons and Janney score some great laughs and even better tender parent moments. Cera is perfectly cast as the goofy, uber cool yet geeky lover and he delivers every line with the perfect amount of honesty and hilarity. But to me the biggest surprise is Jennifer Garner. This is the first time I have seen her really act and she is very good. She plays Vanessa without an ounce holding back, always being completely vulnerable on screen and she plays the kind of woman that everyone would trust with their kids. Bateman gets some laughs and even gave me a bit of the creeps in the right moments. Director Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking) mostly stays out of the way of the actors and dialog and just shoots the movie. It is a nice thing, however, there is never any doubt you are watching an indie comedy.

Therein lies the problem with the movie. Juno is so hell bent on being quirky that it gets in its own way. From the hand drawn opening credits, painfully indie soundtrack and Juno having a hamburger phone, it gets to be too much at times and left me wondering how good it could have been if it was just telling a story. I am always a fan of fast, funny and smart dialog, but at times (especially the first 30 minutes) it feels like more of a chore than anything else. It takes so long to get used to lines like "I was just calling to procure a hasty abortion" (said into the hamburger phone, of course) that when the movie takes a turn into more realistic, touching fare, we feel jilted because we are finally used to "That ain't no etch a sketch. This is one diddle that can't be undid" and then that kind of stuff is taken away from us. That being said, most of the jokes and one-liners work, and when they work they are absolutely hilarious. I could have done with a little more Michael Cera as well, but I can always use more Michael Cera, so that is nothing new.

Overall this is a great movie with a real meaning behind it and for a first time writer it is quite the triumph. Ellen Page deserves all of the praise she is getting for carrying the bulk of the movie on her tiny shoulders, but everyone deserves kudos for their contribution to the movie. Also, this is not a movie promoting teen age pregnancy, but it is a movie about a young woman trying to find her way through tough situations. The movie is about being tough , but also about being loving, kind and understanding. It is an incredibly satisfying movie going experience and it's flaws are almost endearing in themselves because they almost make the movie even more quirky and lovable.

Overall Grade= B+

The 10 movies I hate the most (special 200th post!!)

Seeing as how it is my 200th post, I thought I would do a list that would fill me with all kinds of holiday joy, and what better way to do so than to make a list of the 10 movies I just loathe. Now there are some ground rules for this particular list and they are as follows:
1. They had to have theatrical releases. This knocks out all of those awful direct of video movies I used to watch.
2. I had to sit through the entire movie because if I left it early I have no idea of knowing if the movie got better
3. I have to remember hating it. So many movies are forgettable, but these had to be 10 I actively hate.
Without further waiting here we go.

10. Eyes Wide Shut- Kubrick is a god to most film geeks like myself. I have never thought that. I admit he is good, but I find most of his movies to fall into the overrated category. I may get shot for saying that, but that is how I feel. However, none of his movies were bad. Well, until he died and this piece of garbage was released. Billed as a weird sexually charged thriller, this movie has about as much heat as a freezer. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were married in real life, but their on screen chemistry was non existent and the story never fully made sense. The censors wouldn't let the orgy scene be shown as desired, but that did not matter because that scene was not very good anyway. It was not a compelling or provocative picture; it was a boring, useless waste of nearly 3 hours of my life. I should have felt dirty because of how erotic the picture was, not because I couldn't believe how bad it was.


9. Failure to launch- Now I am not normally a fan of Romantic Comedies to begin with and the naked bongo playing Matthew McConaughey does not help in any of these movies. This one, though, takes the cake of suckiness. Sarah Jessica Parker and her odd nose co star in a movie that is so bad, the girl who forced me to go to it apologized to me afterwards. Teri Bradshaw is the dad who is naked for no reason and animals seem to talk and make weird noises, serving no real purpose except to aggravate me to no end. As far as Romantic Comedies go, this is bottom of the barrel crap with a story so revolting I was over it 10 minutes in. At some point I just sat and stared at the wart on Sarah Jessica Parker's face and wondered if it got separate billing for the movie.





8. Hollow Man- Kevin Bacon is a great American icon but usually when he plays villains it goes horribly wrong. This may have been the movie to start it all. The idea of a guy becoming invisible is infinitely interesting and while some dark creepy things happen that make me want to like this movie, the ending really just blew every chance for that to happen. For some reason when he goes under and becomes invisible, he also becomes indestructible. They never mention that the science of being invisible made one immune to burning and being shot, but it happened in this god awful movie. The effects were cheesy at best and while it touches on the creepy aspects of being invisible, it never does anything fun at all. I think someone who was invisible would start off doing fun things and then work his or her way into things like undoing the clothes of sexy sleeping people, but this goes right for the rape. What fun is that?!?


7. Saw IV- This is a new entry into this particular list because it was just released in October of this year, yet it was so god awful i can already put it on this list. In a long list of horror movies that defy logic, this one in the most illogical of them all. I am not against the grotesque torture porn in these movies, so that is not my problem. My problem is the absence of anything interesting, scary or funny in this movie. A dead killer still finding ways to kill people and entire flashback sequences serving to hope to fill the gaping plot holes do not help matters at all. I know these movies require no thought, but I truly believe apes wrote this movie, having not seen any of the other ones because who needs things to follow a pattern at all. No, not the screen writers for Saw IV. Who cares if the acting sucks in these things because all we want is awesome traps and scares but this movie is so bogged down in a plot that makes no sense that they forgot what people really want- fun deaths. Enduring this movie was a case of torture porn in itself.


6. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon- The first real critically acclaimed movie on my list was so bad my brother fell asleep, which is the only reason I watched the whole thing. It was supposed to be a breathtaking epic, but instead it was slow, boring and even the fights were all things I had seen in Asian cinema before. Basically it was nothing new or exciting and the story was so dour, it really took away from the fighting. Plus, there was like a 30 minute flashback that I did not need in order to understand what was going on. Talk about not trusting your audience. The dialog does not flow in any way and the characters all seem stock. They aren't characters as much as they are things in the way of Ang Lee's shots. I went in not expecting much and I ended up getting even less than that. I know people believe this to be a magical journey through flying Chinese people and their boring romantic lives, but for me it was just a waste of money and time.



5. The Blair Witch Project- Like Crouching Tiger, I saw this only because of the way critics loved it. This was a new inventive way of shooting a horror movie and they did it for cheap! I have no idea where the money went or where the scares were in this dud of a movie, but they certainly were not in the thing I was watching. It went on to be parodied endlessly and is often talked about as being a monumental movie for those people who want to make good movies on a small budget, but they forget to mention the movie sucks! The publicity stunts to make this seem like a true story was semi interesting but the acting, writing, camera work and over all story lack being good. Instead it is a dizzying, poorly shot, badly executed vomit inducing mess. It does not induce vomiting because of the shaky camera, but because of how much it blows.



4. Napoleon Dynamite- This might just be the least funny comedy to ever be a big hit, ever. I mean, ever. Nothing in this movie made me even smile. I wanted to kill myself and everyone involved with this kid friendly obnoxiousness. The lead character is not at all likable and his goofiness is not charming or affable. No, instead he is one of the most detestable movie character ever. You may think I am exaggerating here, but I hate him more than Will Ferrell's Ron Burgandy and I didn't watch that whole movie! Of course a girl made me watch this, which is the only reason I made it through, but I still have yet to find one redeeming quality to this badly put together "comedy." Jon Heder is now making a career out of playing this same deplorable man child and it is all the fault of the idiots who thought there was true comedy to be found inside this disgusting excuse for a movie.




3. Contact- I saw this at my theater, for free, and felt robbed. Let me begin by saying that this movie is 152 minutes long and it is supposedly about aliens and it supposedly begins with a sound. What they don't tell you is that we go 40 minutes until we even hear the sound, which means we get 40 damn minutes of exposition and bad Jodie Foster acting. After she finally hears the sound it is another 100 minutes until the machine is built and she heads off into space to find aliens. (SPOILERS!!!!) However, she does not meet aliens, no, she meets her dead father!! The whole thing is like in her mind, WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?! I just waited 140 minutes to see some freaking aliens and it turns out to not even be aliens?? Oh HELL NO! My butt hurt from the time raping I took watching the entire terrible thing. God, I get angry just thinking about it now!




2. Alexander- This might just be the single most boring movie I ever sat through. It is 3 hours long and in that 3 hours, nothing happens. War happens, but it is barely seen and Alexander conquers a lot of lands, but it doesn't seem like it actually happens, we are just told about it. Also, the acting is so unbelievably bad by all parties that they should revoke Angelina's Oscar for it. Much was made of the overt Homosexuality in the movie but those people were not watching the same movie I was because there was no overt homosexuality. This movie was too afraid to really delve into Alexander's gay ways because the entire aspect of the movie is done with just longing looks between two guys. it was almost offensive how timid Oliver Stone was to show anything sexual between two guys. The only redeeming quality was the Rosario Dawson nudity but even that is overshadowed by how badly that scene is shot. Erik and I kept almost leaving but we thought at least 1 good battle had to happen. We were wrong, very very wrong.


1. Pirates 2 and 3- This should probably not come as any surprise to anyone who knows me very well. These movies are worlds more offensive to the words "movie" "cinema" or "film" than any movie I can remember. Shamelessly pandering to the stupid fan girls these movies make absolutely no sense whatsoever. They are bogged down by unusually long and needless plots, bad special effects, horrible acting and just a horrid sense of knowing how to make a movie. Obviously slumming it for the hefty paycheck, Johnny Depp is at his absolute worst in the final two installments of what was a great idea, once upon a time. The forced romances come from every where and none of the characters really truly belong together and with a very unsatisfying ending in which Orlando Bloom pretends to be a bad ass (he is really sucky at that), these two movies combine to show all of the ways a movie can go wrong. With hardly any worthwhile action sequences and rocks that turn to crabs and all kind of other just god awful, atrocious and deplorable cinematic acts, these movies make me physically ill when I even think about them. Not even the fans of these movies can give me good reasons for liking them because even they know just how dreadful they are.


So there they are, the 10 movies I hate the most. For the record I have walked out or turned off 5 movies and they are- From Hell, The Grudge 2, The Astronaut's Wife, Meet the Parents and Anchorman. Feel free to add any movies you hate or even more interesting to me: movies you walked out on. Also, feel free to defend any of the movies on my list.

Atonement

Every year there seems to be a British period drama that captures the hearts of critics everywhere and bombards award season. Normally I do not rush out to watch these typically dreary movies, but there was something about this particular one that kind of called to me. I cannot entirely say why, but some of it might be that I love Kiera Knightley or maybe because I heard about a 5 minute single take shot and hoped it would live up to the shot in Children of Men. Regardless of what got me to the theater, it would only matter if the movie lived up to the promises by critics everywhere. Did it?

Cecilia (Knightley) and Robbie (James McAvoy) are star crossed lovers, sort of. Robbie is the son of Cecilia's house's maid and they are not on the same economic scale, and Cecilia tries to come off like that matters and that they cannot be together, but it is obvious she loves him. Briony (played by 3 different actresses at different ages) is a 13 yr old girl (played by a Hayley Joel Osment look-a-like) who is the sister of Cecilia and is also in love with Robbie. She is a creepy little girl and our eyes for the story. We see scenes through her eyes first and then we see the whole scene and how it really played out. It is a bit confusing, but Briony witnesses something she doesn't fully understand and then she sees something horrifying and believes the two events are related and Robbie is sent to prison for rape. The movie cuts to four years later with Cecilia working as a nurse, Briony learning to be a nurse (to maybe atone for the sin she didn't realize four years ago) and Robbie is in the English Army, stationed in France fighting against Germany. Robbie and Cecilia had one meeting and they promised to always be together and promised to reunite during Robbie's next leave. Briony is starting to see that she made a mistake and she writes Cecilia to try and reconcile what happened.

There are other things that happen, but I think they are a bit too spoiler heavy and I don't want to ruin the movie for people who want to sit through it. This movie confirms why I do not typically attend these dreary dramas. Atonement moves at a snail's pace and when it finally gets where we think it is going, it turns out to be false hope. There are beautiful moments and gorgeous camera work, but it all seems to be for naught because it is just a boring picture. The character is Briony is obnoxious as a youth and kind of whiny as an adult and her weird soldier like walk got on my nerves often. The waifish, sexy accented Knightley does earnestly-in-love better than most girls do these days and no one makes smoking a cigarette look sexier, but ultimately I didn't think she really deserves the praise she is getting and McAvoy is a very strong actor and he is the one shining spot, especially in a very effective scene towards the tale end of the film. His anger bubbles over with intensity that appears to come from a totally different movie.

The one aspect of the movie that annoyed me more than any other was the score. Type writers figure greatly in the story of the movie, but that does not mean that every time there is under scoring type writer sounds have to be the overwhelming theme of the score. It gets irritating very quickly and really took me out of the movie. As the music swells towards something major all I can hear is the loud and obnoxious type writer clicks. For the record the five minute single shot is not nearly as impressive as I had imagined in my head. It is not a war time shot as I was led to believe. Instead, it is a continuous shot of soldiers on leave. It looks cool, sure, and I like how they weaved the three major soldiers in and out of the shot, but I guess I just wanted something more from it. I didn't hate the movie, but I didn't like it either. The first half hour is probably the strongest and Joe Wright (The director) shoots a very hot love scene between the two very attractive leads, but as soon as that scene ends, the movie kind of loses it's steam.

Final Grade: C

A little housekeeping

As I am always looking for ways to make this blog a little more accessible, or easy to read, I sometimes get comments (read: Myspace messages) from people with either suggestions, questions or requests of movies to review and one question that has come up a few times int he last little while has been about adding a final rating scale for each review. At first i was against it because I thought people would just scan to the bottom of the review for the rating and I really spend a lot of time thinking about these reviews before writing them and I would to have people skip over all my awesome words! However, sometimes my feeling about a movie could be ambiguous or maybe people want to be able to compare the movies I review, so I was thinking about a way to make a rating system that had the Kyle feel to it. At first I thought about giving Jessica Alba ratings like if I like a movie it would be worth 5 Jessica Alba's, but I wasn't sure how I would make that work. Then I thought about taking a famous girl of each level (1-5) and making that the rating. For example a 5 would be Jessica Alba, a 4 would be Scarlett Johannson and ultimately a 1 being Fergie, but that didn't seem right to those insane people who actually think Fergie is attractive in some way.

Ultimately, since I am going to be a teacher (at least I hope so, If ever get out of College) I decided to go with the classic A-F grading scale. This starts with the review of I Am Legend and will now be attached to the bottom of all movie reviews. I hope this clears up any ambiguity but does not discourage people from actually reading the full review because I love writing them and I love when people read them. I really do spend an awful lot of time thinking about them, bouncing ideas off of people and deciding exactly what to write.

Also, if you can think of anything else you would like to see here, feel free to let me know. I won't say no idea is dumb, because I find a lot of people have dumb ideas, but since I do not associate with those people, everyone who reads this should be just fine! I hope you all (all 4 of you) continue to enjoy reading and if you know anyone who loves movies send them here, I could always use more comments and conversation about movies!

I am Legend

Will Smith is the biggest movie star in the world. He is the new Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks rolled into one single person. he makes big action movies and they open huge and when he opens smaller dramas, they open huge. He is the single biggest box office draw these days and the opening weekend numbers of this movie will prove that. Right now it is being reported that I am Legend experienced the biggest December opening and Will's biggest regular weekend opening, ever. It is a movie I have been looking forward to since I first heard that Will Smith would be starring in a movie where he is the last person on Earth. I remember when Castaway came out I wondered if any actor other than Tom Hanks could do such a thing and one name I thought of was Will Smith. Now he gets a chance for me to test that theory with this movie. How did he measure up?

The story is about as basic as a movie could possibly be- A virus breaks out over the planet and turns almost everyone into these weird zombie/vampire like creatures. A select few are immune but it is believed that the Vampire things killed them and we are left with one man alive- Robert Neville (Smith). Neville was a military scientist and before the outbreak it was believed he would help fix the virus. Obviously that did not happen, but as he is the only man alive he is still trying to reverse the effects of the virus using animals trials and then testing whatever creatures he can catch in these awesome traps. As he is the last man on Earth, Neville relies on his dog, Sam, for companionship and he has set up mannequins all over the desolate New York landscape, in order to have people to talk to. He is a man always on the verge of a breakdown, but he mostly finds a way to keep it together by sticking to a routine. He hunts, gathers, works out, golfs, rents movies and when his alarm goes off he gets home, eats dinner, washes his dog and then when his alarm goes off again he shuts his house down and just tries to survive the night.

Will Smith passes the test with flying colors in this movie. He pulls off being the only person on screen for a majority of the movie and it works. He is funny when funny is called for and he plays the mental breakdowns impeccably. He has long been a master at green screen acting- MIB, ID4 Wild Wild West and I am Robot- but here he takes it to another level with a haunting portrayal of a man unsure of everything. The man is a Godless hunter and scientist and he plays it with gripping intensity. The CGIed New York landscape is breathtaking in it's desolation and grandiose camera movements really help propel this movie to an epic level. There are a lot of cool sweeping circular camera shots that really help build the high level of intensity the movie will eventually reach. Francis Lawrence, the director, has some pacing issues to be sure and the ending of the movie feels rushed, very rushed actually, but when he gets it right, he really cooks on all cylinders. For example, the first time we really get a glimpse of the horror of these creatures, the scene bristles with a gripping intensity that I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for the jump moment to scare the death out of me. That scene, taking place in a dark, seemingly abandoned building, inhabited by the creatures, is a slow, quiet and dark build, for a good couple of minutes before it reaches its apex and it erupts in a loud, fast, furious and satisfying moment.

Unfortunately, those moments don't happen nearly enough to satisfy those people who ant only action. This is not a movie concerned with solely going after the big action sequences. Sure it has them- the closing attack in the house is a doozy- but it takes its time for the most part. The movie allows us to really get to know Smith's character before ripping the story from us in a much too quickly reached climax. I am not sure if this happened in the shooting of the movie or the editing of the movie, but it feels like there are just things missing between the second and third act, which kind of diminishes what could have been a greatly satisfying movie. Don't get me wrong, the moments where the movie is gripping and frightening far outweigh the problem moments and I liked that we only see the world before the virus during flashbacks in the few moments where Smith's character find rest, but at times the pacing is slow, then rushed.

My final complaint is that at times the CGIed creatures look a little off. I can't really explain what I mean by that but if you see the movie, I think you'll agree that they just don't seem complete at times. However, the feel of these creatures is incredible and they look very scary and emit disgustingly scary sounds when they umm "communicate" with each other. They move faster, jump higher and can certainly take bullets like they are 50 cent, but there isn't enough screen time for them to fully be effective. The movie is a fun, exciting, thrilling ride through survival, loneliness, dedication and the philosophy of Bob Marley songs and it is worth seeing, even if just for the scene in the building I described earlier, because seriously, just wow.

Final grade: B

August Rush

Inspirational movies are a dime a dozen these days. Inspirational biographies, inspirational sports movies and tales of triumph are getting released all of the time. So, I have to admit that when I saw the trailer for this movie I thought it looked good, but kind of ordinary. As it so happened, though, we got the movie at theater where I work and with that comes a free admission so I figured what the hell. Besides, who doesn't want to watch Robin Williams do his best Bono impression?

Evan Taylor(Freddie Highmore) is a kid with a dream- to find his parents. He has been living in a boys home for his entire life and something inside of him believes in music and believes that the music he hears will bring his parents to him. Social Worker Richard Jefferies(Terrance Howard) is now on his case and while he seems earnest enough, Taylor feels he needs to take it upon himself to head out to the big city and find his parents. Lyla Novacek(Keri Russell) is a concert cellist who eleven years ago had a one night stand with a rock guitarist, Louis Connelly(Jonathon Rhys Myers) and it resulted in a pregnancy. Connelly never knew about it and after a car accident where some complication arose, Novacek is told by her father that the baby died. Of course, the baby didn't die and when her father is on his death bed, he tells her that he lied and that the child is alive. Back in New York, Taylor comes across a creepy, unethical, illegal and did I mention creepy, Maxwell "Wizard" Wallace(Robin Williams). Wizard is a grown man who lives in an abandoned theater with a bunch of homeless kids and he teaches them to play music, puts them on street corners and takes the money they make. Wallace sees that Taylor is truly a musical prodigy and takes him under his wing, naming him August Rush. Meanwhile after 11 years Connelly goes back to looking for his one night stand and soon all 3 major players end up in New York with their music.

Freddy Highmore is an adorable dimple faced kid who is making the most of his youthful attitude before puberty kills him and forces him the way of Hayley Joel Osment. He plays August Rush as a very detached, yet quietly brilliant child and his performance is perfectly effective. We always feel for him and we believe that he believes music can bring his family together. Russell and Myers are both very easy on the eyes and gives a certain amount of depth when they are on screen, but the movie belongs to Highmore. Also, Robin Williams does a pretty good job keeping his manic tendencies to a bare minimum. Highmore carries the movie pretty well and the faults of the movie don't have anything to do with the child actor who has been great in the few movies in which he has starred.

The fault of the movie lies in the plot contrivances involving the Robin Williams character. I understand he is necessary when Rush first gets to New York but when he becomes the "villain" of the movie, I kind of lost interest in it. The movie doesn't need a real villain except to bring a false conflict and expand the movie another 15 minutes or so. I thought the movie was working just fine until Williams bounced back into the picture with almost comical threats and even the resolution of that conflict felt forced and unnecessary. However, that really is the only major fault in the movie that I found. People always assume I have something against inspirational movies. They assume that because I love to rant about what I hate so much that I don't have a part of me who wants to be inspired or wants to believe that stories can have happy endings. Well, I love a good inspirational movies. I want to believe that things can be better if you believe in them and hope for them and work for them. This is that movie. Rush doesn't spend the whole movie just hoping his parents will hear the music; he creates the music for them to hear. Rush is trying his ass off to make sure his parents hear the music he creates.

In regards to the music, this movie handles the music with such delicate grace that it moved me on many occasions. Rush hears the music in everything- the wind, basketballs, steam factories- and the sounds and sights of each note, of each organic symphony is handled with such beauty that it is impossible not to wrapped up in the music of that world for near two hours of the movie. Music breeds hope, love, life and creates memories for the people in this world and it is a joy to watch it happen. Sure, the movie is a bit cheesy and ultimately predictable, but what wasn't predictable was the closing scene. I was so sure there would be another scene tacked on to the end to make it the actual happy ending people crave, but they didn't. They ended the movie the way it needed to be ended. I wouldn't tell everyone to run out and watch this movie, but if you love music and want to be taken on a modern day fantasy story, this movie is for you.

The Golden Compass ( Early Review)

This movie was not really on my radar to be truthfully honest. I am kind of all worn out over fantasy books being translated to the big screen, but when free tickets fell into my lap, it was kind of difficult to pass up. The movie does not come out until Friday but it is not without all kinds of controversy due to the belief that the books were anti-catholic. Boycotts are being called for on the movie and the makers of the movie are scoffing at the idea of the movie being anti-religion. Of course, none of that really matters if the movie sucks, right, so will it matter?

I shall attempt to sum up the plot, but I have to admit it felt like a lot of important stuff was edited out for time and so the movie doesn't always make a ton of sense. The movie posits that there are all kinds of different dimensions where people live and they are seen as "dust." Now it gets very difficult to take this movie seriously with our own ideas of what dust is and when the characters wonder so much about "dust" it is kind of silly. The dimension we deal in is weird for us because the humans' souls are embodied in animals or what they call "demons." There are also actual animals, like the warrior bears, who talk, but they are not the souls of humans. One little girl, Lyra (Dokota Richards) is special because she can read a Golden Compass. A Golden Compass is a truth teller and with the three spokes you can ask any question and get an answer. Marisa Coulter (A frosty Nicole Kidman) works for a mysterious organization who lives to control the minds of every living being and wants to get children to grow up more quickly by separating them from free will and choice. Hmmmm, sounds a bit like religion does it not? Anyway, Lyra's friends are kidnapped and she wants to save them and gets help from Gypsy like people, witches with killer bow and arrow skills, a cowboy guy who flies a boat plane and a talking warrior bear who was exiled from warrior bear land.

If you didn't follow any of that I apologize but I did the best I could. To be honest, this movie lacks a lot of cohesive story. Things happen and we aren't really sure why and things don't happen and we aren't sure why not. Daniel Craig is in the movie, but doesn't really do anything and the ending of the movie is really just a set up for more movies, I believe. The movie looks gorgeous. The epic cinematography is wonderfully done and the snow capped mountains and various location shots look stunning. Also, the effects of the CGIed demons are stunning, particularly Craig's gorgeous tiger thing. Also, the warrior bears are all astounding looking. From the individual hairs to how it moves, the detail is phenomenal. Sadly, it doesn't add up to much. The little girl, Dakota, is adorable and mischievous to be sure, but she isn't quite ready to carry a whole movie, let alone a whole series of movies. Eva Green who plays the main witch is pretty boring when she speaks and the one acting bright spot, Sam Elliott, doesn't do enough at all.

That being said there flashes of great stuff in the movie. First off, when our favorite warrior bear goes up against the king warrior bear, that fight is amazing. It is akin to the look of the Optimus Prime and Megatron fight because the effects never limit the fighting. Also, the climax of that fight is almost shocking and is such a crowd pleaser, the entire theater erupted for joy. Also, the climatic battle is pretty thrilling. The death toll is insanely large for a movie I thought I was rated PG (it is PG-13) and that last battle accounts for almost all of it, but even in that battle, nothing definite comes from it. The religious stuff seems pretty blatant to me and anyone who can't see it is oblivious. This movie is fighting very hard to rid the world of an organized religion that believes it knows everything that is right for everyone else. I am not sure why everyone wanted the compass or what the "dust" really matters and I can't say I enjoyed the 2hour movie, but then again, I didn't pay to see it.

The Mist

Usually when everyone comes out of a movie hating it, I think that maybe I should avoid the movie at all costs, but that was not the case with this movie. I was intrigued as to what happened in the movie to make everyone come out with such wrath towards it. As I started to pay attention to what people were saying as the exited the theater it became clear that the ending is what led to such hate. That really piqued my interest because typically when everyone hates an ending that means it does not end happily and I like that. I enjoy when movies take a risk of alienating the masses. Unfortunately for me, listening to those conversations also led me to find out the ending, but I went in and watched it anyway. How did it far for me?

In a small unnamed town a freak storm comes through and knocks out the electricity, brings down many of the trees and brings with it a thick, foreboding mist. David Drayton(Thomas Jane) heads into town with his son and his neighbor, Brent Norton(Andre Braugher) to the local store to get supplies to make it through the storm. Once inside the store a man from town comes running and screaming about something being in the Mist; something that is killing people. No one believes it, but after 5 of them run into a large Tenticled creature in the stock room, it is understood that no one should leave. Mrs. Carmody(Marcia Gay Harden) is a religious nut who believes this is God's way of cleansing the Earth. It is a very stereotypical treatment of a religious person, but it works within the movie. After being trapped for a little while cabin fever starts to settle in and people choose sides between the crazy religious woman and the logical reason of Drayton. Drayton's side has less people and a lot of stuff erupts between the two sides and just general craziness happens for the rest of the movie.

This is not a perfect movie, but it is a very effective scary thriller. The performances are extremely one note, but it is a scary movie that is par for the course. The creatures all look very cool and are given regular bug qualities, which make it even scarier because the spider creatures essentially look and act like spiders but if touched by their web your skin will melt off and if they get too close to you they will go inside you and cause you to burst open allowing thousands of baby spider creatures to be born. The spider scene is probably one of the most effective moments because it is generally creepy, scary and loud all at the same time. The idea of cabin fever is portrayed perfectly as the townsfolk starts to turn on each other because they have no idea what really to do. No one knows if the mist is all over the planet just the town or what. Also, they are searching for something to believe in and the crazy religious woman gives them that. Also, I liked that the humans do just as many evil things as the creatures do. There are some side characters that do not serve much of a purpose, but I was surprised as to how many of them didn't die since usually stock characters serve only one purpose- to die.

What makes this movie more effective than many of its kind is the camera work. The movie is often times shot like a documentary really putting us in the moment. The angles give a very disjointed feel and the slow shaky close ups give the feeling that the cameraman is scared and therefore it makes us scared. The camera moves very well through the store during the two big attacks and we never lose a moment of the scary crazy creatures. Also, there is a huge creature that we never fully see. We see shadows of it and glimpses at parts of it, but they never show it in its full glory. It really lends another sense of creepiness to it, that our vision is never allowed to see it square on, again like the cameraman was just too afraid. Some times less really is more. That is not to say there aren't disgusting moments because gore hounds get a few nice body dismemberments and face explosions.

As for the ending of the movie, I can see why everyone hates it so much, but it really worked for me as a daring and different ending than one could imagine. Knowing the ending did not effect my enjoyment of the movie and actually when it got to that ending I was still a bit shocked by it. I know it is a departure from the book(I have not read it but many customers have) but I respect that the studio stood by the director, Frank Darabont. I guess since he brought Shawshank Redemption to the screen they trust him with Steven King material. I actually prefer this ending to the typical Steven King, indeterminate (read: lazy) ending. There are some plot holes and the explanation for the mist is never fully realized, but that doesn't take away from the scares, the camera work and a very interesting ending.

10 great movies you probably have not seen

I openly admit this top 10 list is probably a bit scattered and that while they will be numbered from 10 to 1, they aren't really in any specific order. I just picked ten movies I really enjoyed that most people probably never saw. Most of them did have theatrical runs, but they were so short and so limited that I found them only on DVD when I first saw them.



10. Evolution- The movie had an 80 million dollar budget and ended up with a less than 40 million dollar box office, but it really is a comic find. David Duchovny and Orlando Jones have great on-screen chemistry; Sean William Scott had a great one liner that still cracks me up and Julianne Moore proved she could do comedy, but the movie never found an audience, which is a shame because beyond the cool special effects, bizarre Dan Akroyd Cameo and great use of "Play that Funky Music" it is just a very funny movie.

9. Bulworth- Just based on the fact that Warren Beaty raps in this movie is reason enough for everyone to see it. However, it is also a hilarious biting political commentary and a nice stab at black stereotypes. After Senator puts a hit out on himself, he decides to be brutally honest with the people and it turns out they love that. The end 5 minute rapped monologue by Beaty is not only kind of funny, it has some great rhymes and is delivered perfectly. With uncredited Script polishing by Aaron Sorkin, how could I not love this movie and if you watch it, I am fairly certain you will love it too.

8. The Machinist- This is one of those movies that had such a limited theatrical run that it would have been impossible to see, but it had all kinds of buzz because of the weight Christian Bale lost for the role and how quickly he had to put it back on for Batman. It is a small mostly simple story about a guy who cannot sleep and therefore is slowly fading to death. He has dreams or memories and starts to seriously doubt his sanity. Bale was his usual brilliant self and the movie unfolds in way that you don't expect it to and that makes Bale's performance shine even more. If nothing else, you have to respect Bale for really committing to the role and to the movie.

7. The way of the Gun- After writing the brilliant The Usual Suspects, Christopher McQuarrie wanted more, so he wrote and directed this gem. After almost getting an NC-17 rating, the violence was scaled back and the print runs were also scaled back so the movie came and went without making any noise. However, with sharp dialogue, great action sequences and great work from Ryan Phillippe and Benicio Del Toro, this movie deserved better. About a kidnapping gone horribly wrong, the two characters get all Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid and awesomeness abounds. I wouldn't even know where to begin with printing bits of dialogue because there are a done of gems throughout.

6. Breakdown- Sometimes the world forgets Kurt Russell knows how to be a bad ass. This movie serves as a reminder. Released in 1997 to a resounding thud, I saw it for free at my theater and fell in love. There is a great car chase as the climax and there is an intensity throughout the whole movie. It is also scary because Russell's character leaves his wife in the car to go find help for their breakdown and when he returns she is gone. Russell mean mugs, punches and yells his way through hell in the movie and it never gets boring to watch. I am sure it is not for everyone, but I had one hell of a good time watching it.







5. The Frighteners- This is the first R-Rated movie I had permission to see, so it is automatically special to me, but it is also a fantastic movie directed by the brilliant Peter Jackson. Michael J. Fox, revitalizing his career, stars as a guy who gains the ability to see ghosts. He befriends them, gets them to haunt houses and then charges people to clear the house. Yes, it kind of sounds like Pushing Daisies on T.V right now. But then he sees a Grim Reaper type ghost and tries to help the humans that are being stalked by death. With rich, exciting special effects and a funny over the top script, this movie should be a cult classic type movie.






4. Spirited away- Now I am the last person to enjoy anime, really I loathe it, but this is something above and beyond anime. The storytelling is fantastic and the animation really helps further the story of a little girl who wanders into some magical world where humans transform into animals and all kinds of crazy stuff starts to happen. I am not very much into foreign films but this is one of those land mark movies that really should be seen by anyone who loves movies. My family didn't get it, but I was totally sucked into the world this movie created with incredible visuals and stunning cinematic camera shots.







3. Lucky Number Slevin- Most people have heard me talk about this movie now and that is because I really think it is a great piece of pulp cinema. it is fast, funny, interesting and effectively jumps time (something at which many movies try and fail). Josh Hartnett doesn't have to do much but pop off with some very clever one liners and Bruce Willis is at his Stoic best. Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley add depth to most stock characters and while there is a twist in the movie, it is not hard to figure out, but it doesn't take away from the movie. The movie really works because of the dialogue and how quickly it pops from line to line. This is certainly in the vein of Tarantino cinema, but it actually work, very well at that.

2. State and Main- Now I openly admit this is not the kind of comedy for everyone, but it should be. I understand it is too smart for the average movies goer, but I like to think the people who come to this blog appreciate things like that. David Mamet wrote and directed this great satire on both Hollywood and small towns as those two worlds collide for a film shoot. Featuring great gags, like a dot com company trying to get product placement even though they are shooting a period piece and Alec Baldwin at his smarmiest as the big time star who has a thing for teenage girls, everything in this movie works on all levels. The dialogue is genius, the performances from all of the actors is great and the whole thing just clicks.





Equilibrium- If you combined the insanely great fight sequences from the Matrix withe the brutal social commentary from Farenheit 451, mixed them up and threw in Christian Bale being awesome, you'd get this insanely creative, brilliant and intense action picture. it was actually made before the Matrix but released afterwards, so it was labeled a knock off, but in reality this movie is worlds better than The Matrix. First of all, the people in this movie can act. Plus, the story makes sense and isn't a Christian Metaphor wrapped in Sci-Fi. Also this has an awesome Sword fight, insane lighting and sound editing, oh and Christian bale being awesome, did I mention that part? Set in a future when art, music and books are outlawed because they make people feel and feeling leads to war, this movie is a great commentary on the need for emotions and balancing out reason with desire. Everyone should watch it and be amazed, even today!


Do you have any movies you love, but can't seem to find anyone else who has them?

Beowulf (spoilers if you have not read Beowulf)

Any English major worth his weight has read Beowulf. I am one such English major. I have read the epic poem no less than 3 times, not because of the language but because the story and themes of pride and greed are just as prominent today as they were when this poem was first created. It is funny that a poem featuring a lead character concerned with having his story told forever is still being taught, read and now viewed. At first I was excited at the prospect of a Beowulf movie. The battle of Grendal alone is worth watching in today's FX era. Then I heard it would be completely shot using that Motion Capture Sensor thing that video games made famous and Peter Jackson used flawlessly with Gollum and I was worried. Then I saw trailers and was totally turned off to the movie. The video game feel of the characters were not appealing, but the reviews were favorable. I didn't make it out to opening week and I still wanted to see it, but it became less of something I needed to do. Well I finally made it out and watched it.

Beowulf (voiced by Ray Winstone) is a hero of the highest order. He is also prideful, horny and self important. Hrthogar(A creepy Anthony Hopkins animation) Is a king in need of a hero because a monster named Grendal(Crispin Glover) is terrorizing his kingdom- killing people, trashing his hall and turning fire blue (ooooh creepy, right? blue fire, wow!). Beowulf is up to the task of fighting the Monster Grendal. With the disposing of Grendal, Beowulf and the kingdom celebrate, but that night Grendal's mother takes out her revenge and murders some large number of people. Well now Beowulf must kill Grendal's mother. Sounds easy until he sees that Grendal's mother looks an awful lot like a naked Angelina Jolie (with heels as part of her feet, dope). Naked, glowing Jolie strokes Beowulf's sword until it melts into a silver semen looking substance while she entices Beowulf with promises of being a king and being known forever, if he will give her a child. Beowulf nails the sex organ-less naked computer version of Mrs. Pitt, but tells the kingdom he killed the bitch. Hrthogar admits Grendal was his kid and after promising the crown to Beowulf he kills himself. The story jumps pretty far into the future where Beowulf is king and demolishing all attackers. The golden cup comes back to him (he would be free from Grendal's mother as long as she possessed the cup) and Beowulf starts to freak out. A dragon is unleashed on the kingdom, Beowulf must face his pride, his greed and his sexual conquests and he must defeat the dragon.

To say this movie merely sucks is mocking things that merely suck. This movie is an embarrassment to things that suck- Jenna Jameson, Vacuums and Finding Nemo. This movie tries so hard to be epic, but it is at times so bad that I laughed out loud at what I was watching. Beowulf is naked as he fights Grendal, but in Austin Powers fashion, his computerized penis is blocked by other phallic looking things. The people do not move smoothly, but in stilted, disjointed movements like cinematic zombies move. The voice work of Ray Winstone is so over the top, I chuckled every time he shouted "I am Beowulf." Okay dude, we get it. You like your name. I know Beowulf is the kind of guy who shouts his own name during sex. There is an ample amount of violence, but the camera movements are trying too hard to be epic. Epics just are. They just exist as epic things. You cannot be epic by trying to be epic. It is equal to being awesome. You either are or you are not. if you are trying to be awesome, you just look like a moron trying to be awesome. This movie is a moron trying to be epic. Angelina Jolie's computerized face rips all expression from her face and reduces her to a naked SIM's looking character. Sure, even though she is glistening in gold she looks impressive naked, but when she speaks it juts doesn't look right.

This Motion Capture nonsense has got to stop in regards to human characters. If you have the people, just do it for real. Motion Capture is perfect for video games, but I don't want to watch a video game for 8 bucks. I want to be able to play a video game for a week for 8 bucks. Grendal looks pretty good, although he looked like a left over from a Troma film like Swamp Thing. The only thing that looked even remotely good in the movie was the Dragon. The Dragon with long fierce looking wings and extremely detailed skin is massive compared to everything else. He towers over all and the fire he spits from his mouth is bright, alive and the hues of orange and yellow almost pop off the screen, well almost. Granted I did not see this in the 3-D format, but after knowing that it would have cost me more money, I have to say I am glad I didn't. This will not go down as the worst movie I saw this year, thanks Pirates 3, but it will go down as a crash burn unparalleled to other sucky movies Robbie enjoys. Yeah, that's right, I mentioned you by name. When the movie finally ended (2 Hrs. for this shotty film!!) the guy behind me had it right: He let out a huge yawn and stormed out. I could not have said it or put it any better myself. The Epic Poem, written in an archaic language and being too long, was never ever this boring. Robert Zemeckis has officially lost his ability to create good movies. All of his past success has been overshadowed by a hallow, special effect heavy, borefest.

Awake

A few years ago Chris Rock joked that Jude Law was in every movie that year, This year that person is Terrance Howard. Howard appeared in 7 movies this year, with Awake being the 7th. A few years ago this guy was starring in music videos and bad black-bonding movies and now he is appearing in every movie possible. Apparently he is someone who understands success is fleeting and he needs to capitalize as often as he can. Awake is one of those movies that creeps up on the box office. It was an under the radar project that had an upped release date, so we get it in 2007 instead of 2008. It had minimal push and promotion so when you watch it you have such low expectations that you will either be pleasantly surprised or come away getting exactly what you thought you were getting.

Clay Beresford(Hayden Christianson) own half of some unnamed city. His dad left him his entire fortune and he does great things to assure thousands of jobs in the city. Consider him a Bruce Wayne type. He is engaged to the gorgeous and horny Sam Lockwood(Jessica Alba) but neither of them acknowledge the engagement because Clay's mother, Lilith(Lena Olin) would never understand the engagement. See, Clay has a heart condition and is awaiting a heart transplant. His mother doesn't trust anyone and wants to continue to control Clay's life. Dr. Jack Harper(Howard) is the surgeon who brought Clay back to life over a year ago and they have become friends. Harper is going to perform the transplant because he is the only one Clay trusts. A heart finally emerges, but not until after Clay and Sam get married in a rushed ceremony and Clay and Sam head to the hospital for the surgery. Apparently 30,000 people out of every 1,000,000 that go under the knife suffer from something called "Anesthetic Awareness." That is they are awake and can feel everything that happens, but cannot call out or move. Clay suffers from this phenomena and as he tries to call out he removes his soul from his body. As he is under, but hearing everything, the surgeons, including Harper, are talking about how they plan to inject the heart with something that will make it not work, therefore killing Clay. Harper has 4 malpractice suits on him and it appears that killing Clay will help in someway. Clay spends his out of body experience trying to figure out what happened. I can't anything more without giving away the three "twists" in the movie, but they aren't really that twist worthy.

Awake is the kind of movie you watch and forget very quickly. It is not good but it is not bad either. it just completely average. It is so mundane that even the 90 minute run time feels longer than it needs to be. It looks like a lot of other movies- Sixth sense and Invisible- to name a few. Alba is gorgeous and does a fine job as the grieving wife and considering 3 minutes into the movie she is sitting in a tub with a soaking wet white tank top, she does her job. Christianson is still looking for who he is as actor and trying to rid himself of the stank of George Lucas but this is not really the part for him. He doesn't get to do much else but scream. Howard is slowly watching his shining star dwindle with a role that could easily have been played by any actor. It is a mostly one note performance and even the brief change of heart moment feels contrived and forced just to give a false conflict for the doctors. The end is mostly satisfying, although by that time you are kind of over what we are watching. The entire thing of Clay being out of body is almost unnecessary as he could find everything out he needs as he lays on the operating table, but I guess it wouldn't have been much of a movie without him running around the hospital. Also, there is a side plot involving flashbacks of his father's death that don't really add up to much of anything, but I guess when you are trying to get a movie to not be only 70 minutes long, you have to add some stupidness. The one shining thing in this movie is the beginning of the surgery. With Clay able to feel everything and us being treated to his inner monologue, the first cut they make on him is incredibly brutal and hard to watch. The audio of just hearing Clay is very well done and then when they pull apart his chest bones, we are treated to yet another crazy brutal moment and it really is effective, but that moment lasts only about 5 minutes total. but what we are left with is another 85 minutes of average film making.

Enchanted

I am not going to pretend I am the biggest Disney fan in the world, but from the first time I saw a trailer for this I just knew I had to see it. The fractured fairy tale has become its own genre as of late, thanks in part to those overrated trash filled Shrek debacles, but this one looked charming, almost sweet in its treatment of all those princess fairy tales Disney has made famous. Amy Adams won my heart in Junebug and James Marsden proved he could be campy and fun this summer in Hairspray and Patrick Dempsey, well Patrick Dempsey, with those eyes, is made for fairy tale love movies. So with great hope I set out to the theater hoping to not be disappointed.

Set in the animated kingdom of Andalasia, Giselle(Adams) is trying to put together a model of the man of her dreams. She sings about true love's kiss and has a bunch of animals helping her try and find the right lips. In the middle of her song we cut to Prince Edward(Marsden) who is a troll hunting Prince. The Troll he captures has some familiar qualities, of say a famous ogre we have all come to know as Shrek. It is a nice one time dig at the movie who made its money throwing cheap shots at Disney. Edward is also looking for true love and he hears Giselle singing and he set off to find her. The Troll gets free, chases Giselle and Edward rescues her; they will be married the next day. However, Edward's stepmother(Susan Sarandon) doesn't want to relinquish her crown so she finds a way to ruin the wedding; she tosses Giselle down a well. On the other side of the well is New York City and Giselle finds herself alone and lost, looking for a castle. After losing her Tiara to a homeless man and getting rained on she meets Robert Patrick(Dempsey) and his daughter Morgan(the beyond adorable Rachel Covey) and while Robert is skeptical of her story about being a near princess and looking for her prince, he agrees to help her by getting her a cab from his place. Well it doesn't happen and after sleeping on the couch, Giselle wakes up to a messy place and calls on the animals to help her clean it. Edward also goes down the well to try and find Giselle and he is met by the stepmother's minion, Nathaniel(Timothy Spell) and a chipmunk named Pip. Giselle spends the movie trying to convince Robert to believe in true love and Robert tries to explain to Giselle that fairy tale love does not make sense. People need to date first and try and find out if they are compatible. Robert is dating Nancy(Idina Menzel, who doesn't sing at all, bummer) and they have been dating for four years but it doesn't feel like they are really in love. A love story that I didn't see coming happens in the movie and alls well that ends well, right?

Aside from being an infinitely charming story, this movie is plenty funny, as well. The movie pokes fun at Disney movies, but not in a heavy or ironic way, really. It is more an homage, or a throwback to those Princess fairy tales. The movie believes in the power of true love's kiss but it also believes in falling in love the right way. The movie only has 3 or 4 songs in it but each musical number is a fun and vibrant lift, especially the big number in the middle of the movie, "That's how she knows." It is a catchy and fun song and it gives Patrick Dempsey a chance to be funny. It gives the movie its only sense of irony and it gives all of us musical theater people hope that it is possible to bust into a random song and have people catch on right away. The 2D animation at the beginning of the movie really made me realize how much I miss movies being animated in that way and it gives me hope that in the future Disney will go back to creating these fun and magical movies. Don't get me wrong I love the Pixar stuff, but there is just something special about the classic animation movies and Enchanted is the perfect way to bridge that gap and remind people how great Disney Princess movies can be. The movie has laughs, thrills, great physical stuff for the children (The chipmunk stuff didn't do it for me, but the kids were dying) and of course, true love. It even has a dragon!

Amy Adams owns this movie. Really she does. Her star quality should shoot through the roof here. Forget Reese Witherspoon, Adams is the spunkiest and mot adorable actress out there. Her voice is perfectly suited for the songs and she gives the right attitude for the role of Giselle. She is never ironic because what makes a parody or satire funny is that the characters believe whole heartedly in what they are doing. Adams believes fully that she is a princess in a lost world and her smile, winning charm and unbelievable honesty really take this movie to new Heights. Marsden looks incredibly ecstatic to be smiling recently after years of playing the tormented Cyclops. He is winning, charming and funny and while a little dumb, he isn't stupid. He believes in love and honor and he will go to any great lengths to find it. Dempsey is perfect here. Yes, I do have a man crush on Patrick Dempsey and I am perfectly okay with it. His eyes, those swoon worthy rays of sunshine, are perfect for a fairy tale love. He is built for true love's kiss and he plays Robert with the right amount of cynicism as a single father who is also a divorce attorney. But he is not above getting wrapped up in Giselle's story either. He is a man who believes in logic, yes, but he is also a man who wants to believe in something more. Sarandon doesn't really appear in the movie much, except as an animated witch but she is having all kinds of fun hamming it up as a evil queen.

The movie does get a bit bogged down towards the end as it tries out too many CGI effects for this kind of movie, but it never takes away from the fun the movie has. It is impossible not to get wrapped up in the story because everyone on screen is having an enormously fun time. This is the kind of movie that you just leave with a big smile on your face. Movies like this are the reasons little girls wear Princess dresses and dream of being swept off their feet. I know that for hardcore Disney fans there are all kinds of homages to older movies. Homages in character names, copied shots and even some of the actors in the movie provided voice over work in some of the animated movies, but those of us who aren't crazy can still enjoy the movie for what it is- a fairy tale that exists in fantasy but grounded in the reality that true love can exist. And I was buying entirely what they were selling.

Fred Clause

Last December a teaser came out for this movie and it just had Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti sitting on a couch bickering and in that moment I thought "Well, this could be a Christmas movie actually worth watching." Of course, a teaser does not a movie make. As the trailers showing actual movie clips started coming out my excitement turned into disappointment and eventually a resolve to not see the movie. Well things don't always work out the way you think and my father wanted to spend some time with me and since he would not see Beowulf, our only real option was Fred Claus. I set out for it hoping it would be more like the teaser and less like the trailers made it look, so how did it work out for me?

Beginning in story book form we meet Fred(Vaughn) and Nic(Giamatti) Claus as young boys. At first Fred, the older brother, loves and cherishes his younger brother Nic, but soon that love turns to jealousy as their parents obviously prefer Nic. Oh and a bit of the new Santa Mythology, when someone becomes a saint, I.E St. Nic, the whole family kind of freeze in time, never aging past a certain age. Of course, this mythology has all kinds of holes in it shown throughout the movie. We cut to Fred as an adult and in true Vince Vaughn fashion, Fred is a fast talking, quick schemed, light on his feet charmer. He is a bit rude, but he is funny and that is why long time girlfriend (Rachel Weisz, totally slumming it here) cannot stay mad at him, even though it is obvious he forgot her birthday. After a very funny chase scene involving Fred running from a gaggle of Santas, Fred has to call his brother for bail money, and another $50,000.00 for a business deal. He knows Nic or Santa Claus cannot say no because he is a saint, but Santa practices tough love and tells Fred he has to come work for the money. Next thing you know Fred is on a sled headed for the North Pole. The North Pole is a very magical looking place, but Fred is not prepared for all the Christmas stuff. He loathes his brother, loathes the idea of Santa Claus and hates his mother. The big conflict of the movie is that some unnamed corporation who has some job that is not ever actually explained has sent a quality control man, Clyde(Kevin Spacey) to manage something or other. It isn't entirely clear, but if Santa gets three strikes he is fired from Christmas. Fred tries for a while to do the job correctly but after a while he gets disgusted at this naughty and nice business and the entire operation gets sabotaged. It is a PG family movie though, so it is not difficult to figure out how it ends.

I have the urge to compare this movie to Elf because they both star a big name actor in a family Christmas movie, but I prefer Vaughn to Ferrell so I preferred this movie. I think Vaughn's brand of fast talking humor works most of the time and while the movie is full of cliches something worked for me in it. It is possible Elizabeth Banks in a pointless role of Santa's helper dressed in the sluttiest of North Pole clothes (How does she stay warm?) helped in some way or that the friendship forged between Fred and one of the elves, Willie, was just funny and honest enough to help show Fred as a good guy. Of course it could also be the fact that the acting of the movie is way above what one would expect. I mean Giamatti and Spacey are far too good for something like this and their moments together really shine above the rest of the movie. On the negative side, the sound effects are a bit overly cartoonish, the CGIed Ludacris head and voice are not funny or cute, in fact, they are creepy and odd looking and it throws off the few moments he has. The story stretches itself out over too long a time and the logic behind some of the antics is never fully explained because, well kids movies don't need logic. There are two or three just absolutely hilarious moments, a few genuinely touching moments a few other funny moments but this uneven movie seems to have been written by a few different people because of how different the jokes are throughout. Overall I would never watch the movie again, but it wasn't a horrible way to kill nearly two hours and while it is no The Santa Clause, it is better than Elf.

Dan in Real Life

When I first saw a trailer for this movie I was about half interested, but not interested enough to watch it. However, my parents saw it and loved and then 4 or 5 other people I know saw it and absolutely enjoyed it. Then, I started to see more reviews and they were almost all positive. I started to get a little more interested, but still something wasn't making run out to watch it. Well Monday I had an awful morning and I needed to see a movie to cheer me up. I had a free pass that was expiring Tuesday so I had to use it. I could not use it on Beowulf and the only other movie playing at the time I had was this one. Obviously not the ringing endorsement going in, but I have been pleasantly surprised by movies before. Of course I have also been disappointed in such movies as well. SO which would it be this time?

Dan Burns(Steve Carrell) is a widowed advice columnist for a local newspaper. He is also trying to raise his 3 daughters- 17 year old Jane(Allison Pill), 14 year old Cara(Brittany Robertson) and 8 year old Lilly(Marlene Lawston). He is doing the best he knows how, but from the very beginning it is clear he is having issues. Jane wants to drive but he is too afraid to let her and Cara has fallen in crazy teenage love with a boy and Dan attempts to keep the love sick teens apart. The movie takes place almost exclusively at a giant cabin for a family reunion with Dan's family. The family is incredibly tight knit group who put on skits, do crossword puzzles and eat every meal together for this 3 day tradition. Actually, tradition is exactly what this family is. This is a family where the brothers hug, parents still worry and everyone gets along. But they are not without teasing each other as well. Anyway, one morning Dan is told by his mother to go out and get some fresh air and in a ridiculous adorable moment Dan meets Marie (Juliette Binoche). They chat for what seems like hours but Dan does all of the talking and hopes he can continue the conversation at a later date. She doesn't believe that is possible because she has a boyfriend and when she leaves him, he heads back home in a daze. Well it turns out she is dating Dan's brother, Mitch(Dane Cook). The rest of the movie is full of awkward hilarity, melancholy sadness and an overwhelming sense of love. Dan loses himself in trying to stay away from Marie and in the process disregards his daughters, especially Lilly, but since it is a heart warming tale, things never get too out of hand.

I was very pleasantly surprised by this movie. Carrell plays Dan with the likability we are accustomed to from him, but he also grounds him in a very real sadness and a very honest delirium at the situation. Yes, he does the awkward white guy dance he must do in every movie, but he is a very honest actor and the moments with his three daughters are wonderful. Binoche is a beautiful actress and really opens herself up to a different kind of movie. She adds a sense of grace and intelligence to her character, which is great but it doesn't help us try and figure out why she is dating a guy like Mitch, who has always been a womanizer. The daughters all play their roles very well, but Brittany Robertson has the best stuff as she gets to really overdo it as a teenager feeling like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. It is over the top yes, but it also feels like a real 14 year old love affair. All of the members of the family play the parts they are supposed to, but none of them really raise above just a supporting character with a few lines.

There is something comforting about a movie that manages to be sweet and sentimental without being overly cheesy. This could have come off like Cheaper by the Dozen, but it feels too real. Never once did I question this big familial weekend and never once did I think families couldn't do this. We live in a cynical world and it was refreshing to see a family who really cared for each other no matter what happened. It was nice to see a family who got together and put on funny and ridiculous skits and when two brothers wrote a song teasing Dan it was done in love. Nothing in the movie is outrageously new or fall on the floor funny, but there are some very funny moments and enough laughs to keep the movie moving. It is also a very nice love story. The only thing that really feels contrived is the climax, but I am not sure it could have been done any other way.

Writer/Director Peter Hedges likes these family tales, as he did Pieces of April and About a boy(only wrote it) before this and it seems clear that he has found his niche. The family is big and at times some of the people get lost in the shuffle, but he never loses sight of the goal at hand. He isn't a genius with the camera or anything, but he captures everything he needs to, especially in a scene where Dan is playing guitar for Mitch as Mitch tries to sing for Marie and he can't remember the words and so Dan sings it instead, putting a mountain of emotions behind it. We learn that Dan hasn't played a guitar since his wife died four years earlier. This is a movie that believes love can happen instantly, that a family can be your best friend and that ultimately good things happen to good people who are trying to make the best out of life. 6 years ago I would have loved this movie, 3 years ago I would have hated its overall message of happiness above everything else but now, well now I appreciate what it is and what it stands for. It isn't entirely fresh, but it does everything well and it is put together with love and care. What is not to respect about that?