In the 1980s and early 1990s there were a variety of big action movie stars, but Stallone and Schwarzenegger were probably the biggest and baddest. You can make a case for Bruce Willis and I would listen, but for just pure action, these two guys were it. Schwarzenegger clearly had other ambitions, but Stallone has always popped up in movies and over the last few years has seen somewhat of a resurgence with The Expendables, which is just total awesome nonsense. At the beginning of this year we were treated to movies starring both of these aging stars. Stallone with Bullet to the Head and Schwarzenegger with The Last Stand.
I am not going to review them separately because it seems unnecessary. I will say this, I preferred The Last Stand to Bullet to the Head, but I think Bullet to the Head should have been the better movie. One thing that comes to the fore front as soon as both of these movies start is the completely lack of subtlety. This, of course, comes as no surprise, but from the first two seconds of each movie we are bludgeoned over the head with these super loud and in your face crazy camera motions. It is as if these movies were filmed for people seriously deprived of hearing and sight and needed everything big and boisterous from the first second on screen. Bullet to the Head opens with a bullet piercing the images of all of the companies who funded the film. GET IT, IT IS CALLED BULLET TO THE HEAD!!! See, here is a bullet to open the movie. Also, wait for the moment when Stallone actually says BULLET TO THE HEAD!! In case you forget the name of the movie, there are no less than 6 people who get what? Oh yeah A BULLET TO THE HEAD!!
I understand the practice of action film making is often an exercise in bold faced testosterone, and I have been known to truly enjoy, even seek out, big loud pointless action movies. I have an undeniably stupid soft spot for the Fast and Furious movies. However, there is a finesse to the ones I like. These two movies just clunk along at the highest level of obnoxious as possible. At least The Last Stand has a sense of humor to it. Do not get me wrong, Bullet to the head provides enough racist jokes to be TRULY HILARIOUS, as hilarious as a BULLET TO THE HEAD, but I appreciated the Johnny Knoxville aspect of The Last Stand. In fact, My favorite Johnny Knoxville performances are when he is the wacky comic relief in ridiculous action movies. Schwarzenegger understands how utterly ludicrous the entire idea of him as an action star is, and he embraces it to comic effect. Every time he falls, he groans and moans about being too old. he knows his limits and to be honest, The Last Stand has a pretty cool climatic showdown. It plays like this goofy, over the top western inspired shoot out. None of it makes any sense, but it is a total blast to watch.
Bullet to the Head had so much more potential to be an awesome flick. I love revenge flicks and I love movies where cops and bad guys have to team up to get someone even more nefarious and Jason Momoa (Game of Thrones) makes about the most imposing villain this side of a WWE wrestler, it is a shame he is mostly wasted. I did laughingly love the Ax fight between Momoa and Stallone, but it was not enough to save the movie. Also, Bullet to the Head just made me sad for Christian Slater. I think Slater deserves better than to be Mr. Exposition in a movie. I hate every Mr. Exposition character. Bullet to the Head also takes itself too seriously. It is completely humorless, unless you enjoy Asian racist stereotypes. Granted, Bullet to the head has boobs and the Last Stand is shockingly boobless, but in the long run, boobs do not make a movie better.
Neither of these movies are movies I would have seen without the joy of free movie watching, but The last Stand is the one I felt was worth my time for the most part. It knew it was completely stupid and just rolled with it. I can appreciate bad movies when they have a sense of humor about how bad they are. Both are hell bent on destroying any sense of grace or flare for stylistic film making, but I guess when you star one of these two aging stars, those kinds of things do not enter the equation.
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