American Teen

This movie is getting all kinds of praise for the realistic portrayal of teen age life in the wake of stuff like The Hills. However, there are also many people on-line claiming the whole thing is staged and fake, much like The Hills. I cannot comment on such things because I tend to believe most documentaries have staged moments in them, or moments heightened for dramatic effect, I think a movie is supposed to be good storytelling above all else and if things have to be recreated to capture good story telling, well that is fine by me.

A few years ago a woman, Natalie Burstein, set out to make a documentary about real high school life. She wanted to make it wholly American so she wanted to go to the Midwest. She wanted ethnic diversity but had trouble finding that. She e-mailed all kinds of high school and students and finally settled on a little town in Indiana and she found her 4 subjects. She found 4 students with interesting lives that differed and she probably had to make sure she found 4 kids who would be good on camera. Colin, Megan, Geoff and Hannah are the four kids we take our journey with.

Colin is the star of the basketball team, which is the big sport at the school. He is not particularly good looking, but he gets the girls because he is the star athlete. His dad spends his days as an Elvis impersonator. Colin's biggest issue in the movie is getting into college. He can only go to college if he gets a basketball scholarship, but his senior year in basketball is not going so well. He dreams of playing for a big NCAA division 1 school and so he is trying to win all of his games by himself. It isn't until he can learn to play with the team that he can possibly be successful. Colin is a nice quiet kid who loves his dad, but is letting the stress get to him. He has probably the least screen time of the 4 because he just isn't magnetic a personality.

Megan is the villain of this story. She is your typical hot cheerleader/student body president/evil bitch. She has a male best friend who hooks up with one of her friends all hell breaks loose. The girl sends a topless picture to Megan's best friends and soon the entire school has the picture. Megan bitches about losing her friends, but she treats them like shit. She is not a very nice person, but she has trouble as well. She is worried she will not get into Notre Dame like all of her brothers before her. She also has a family tragedy that comes out just in time to kind of redeem her.

Geoff is the band geek of the story. He is a sweet kid with braces and terrible acne and he is dying for a girl friend. Throughout the movie we see him try and overcome his image issues and get a date. He loves Zelda and is aware that no one thinks about him. He is a tragic figure and I think the one most people will relate to. He does get a few girls during the course of the movie, which does kind of call into question the motives of the girls. He goes 3 years without a girl then in his senior year he had 3? I hope the girls weren't out to be on screen, because he is a sweet kid.

Hannah is the real star of the movie. She is an outcast artist, who wrestles with manic depression. Her mother is a manic depressive and she cannot live with her. Hannah begins the story as super happy but a break up sends her in a downward spiral and she doesn't spend much time in school for a while. The whole thing is cringe inducing and you find yourself hoping she will overcome her issues and get back to school. She is a beautiful young lady but doesn't believe in herself in that aspect. She is dying to get away from small Midwest life and desires to be in California.

Who knows what the real point of the movie is, but it does show a pretty accurate portrayal of teenage life. I think everyone can relate to aspects of the story, either in terms of school or friends or even family life. Some of these kids are too pressured for school and some have to deal with peer pressure. The kids don't really interact with each other, as they run in different circles, but the one time Hannah and Megan are seen together, it is really uncomfortable. I think the movie found the right kids and it doesn't a pretty good job of allowing us to get to know them. My only real complaint about the film is the animated sequences they use. Often times they cut to these bizarre sequences when the students are at the most vulnerable. The director either didn't trust the kids or trust the audience enough to just put the cameras on the kids and let them talk it out. I would have been so much more engaged if I could see Hannah talking about her she thinks everyone hates her as opposed to watching a weird claymation like sequence.

In a world where teens have blogs and vlogs and are obsessed with wanting to be famous, this is the perfect documentary. It is almost a time capsule of how things are now. We live in a society that believes little should be private anymore; it is a world where we have access to so much of each other and to people we do not know. American Teen captures that. I am not sure it is as provocative as it could have been and at times I wondered why this was on the big screen, but overall I laughed and worried with the kids and I silently cheered for the good things that happened.

Final Grade: B-

Vicki Christina Barcelona

I do believe this review will be less a review of the movie and more thoughts on the themes within the movie. It might come off as a frustrated rant. I apologize in advance if that is what happens.

Vicki (Rebecca Hall) and Christina (Scarlett Johansson) are best friends who have been invited to spend the summer in Spain. Vicki is grounded In reality and is engaged to the perfect man. Christina is a girl who goes where the world takes her and is still looking for her place. She prefers adventure and falls in and out of love weekly. One night the two girls meet a mysteriously sexy man, Juan Antonia (Javier Bardem), who is a painter and all around lover. He propositions the two ladies to fly away with him for the weekend where they will see the sights and make love with each other. Christina wants it, but Vicki doesn't. Christina wins and they go with Juan Antonio. Christina gets sick while there and Vicki and Juan spend the rest of the weekend together. They have sex, but never speak of it again. When they get back to Spain, Christina and Juan become involved in a torrid love affair, Christina moves in, but Juan Antonio's ex-wife (Penelope Cruz) enters the picture. Instead of causing issues, Chrstina, Juan and his ex enter in a weird threesome relationship. Meanwhile, Vicki's husband flies to Spain so they can be married there.

Implementing a narrator who is not part of the story is an interesting idea. Woody Allen uses the narrator as a way of making it so the characters do not have to do any expository dialogue. It frees them up to be specifically in the moment of the film. It is a littler weird at times and sometimes I wish I had less of the narrator, but I like how it allows the characters to avoid the exposition. The acting is all top notch, even from Penelope Cruz, whom I usually loathe. I still am not sure why everyone thinks she is super hot, but her body is smoking and while I usually find smoking gross, she looks sexy as hell with a cigarette. Scarlett Johansson is very good in a role pretty far removed from the roles she usually plays. Rebecca Hall does a fine job although this is the character/theme I have the most issues with.

This movie is about love. The first half plays like a romantic comedy and the last half plays like a weird romantic drama. Vicki spends the whole movie wanting to relive her moment with Juan Antonio and Christina spends the movie trying to find her place and find the kind of love she wants/needs. The Dialog is full of lines like "Only unfulfilled love can be romantic." It portrays Spain as a sensual and romantic country full of poets and sexy guitar players. The problem I have with it, is how it perpetrates this Hollywood ideal that the right man can't be the man desired. Vicki has a perfect man at home. He loves her, he has a steady job and he is attentive. He wants to give Vicki the world and he is good looking and funny to boot. But, nooooo this is Hollywood and so every girl has to want the exotic guy who sleeps around. He is of the world and has very romantic opinions about love, so he must be the one every female wants. Why is it so hard to believe that the right man can also be the one who is full of life? Why, in movies and books, must girls go after the guy who doesn't exactly treat the women properly. It is found out Juan Antonio and his ex tried to kill each other. That is bad right? Nope, in a movie it just shows the passion and that kind passion is what makes life worth living, right?

Movies like this are aggravating because it is very well made, but was hard for me to care because I was so annoyed at this idea that romantic love can only come from something unknown, exotic or wild. It falls into the trap that wanting a "normal" life is somehow bad because it lacks mystery. Nobody in the movie suffers consequences for their actions, really. Yes, it is a movie and movies are for fantasy, but where is the movie that shows wanting a house and a career is a good thing? The guys like that in all of these movies always lose out to the guy who treats the women badly and is distant. It is somehow impossible for the right guy, the nice guy to also be romantic. Oh well, I guess that is what movies are for.

Final Grade: C+

Death Race

When it comes to Jason Statham movies, I only need two things: Statham driving fast and Statham beating the crap out of people. I do not need story, character development, good dialogue or anything that is truly important in film. I just want to sit back and enjoy the ride. So far Statham has succeeded far more than he has failed, but I still have a the bitter taste from War in my mouth from last year at this time. However, Death Race seemed like the perfect example of a Jason Statham movie. It was the perfect movie to wet my appetite for The Transporter 3 and Crank.

In the year 2012 The United States is a mess. The economy is shot to hell and crime takes over. Prisons were overcrowded and corporations will come in, take over and make prisons a profit driven industry. First, prisoner cage fights are broadcast on the Internet for those willing to pay, but the audience grows tired of it and then Death Race is created. The game is simple; if you win five races you get your freedom. Each race starts with 9 racers and each race is 9 laps over 3 days. The goal is to win, yes, but it is also to kill the other racers. The cars are laced with machine guns, napalm, smoke and oil as well as a protective shield over the cars. You have to drive over specific parts of the track to turn on the weapons. It is a big business for the warden of the prison, Hennessey (Joan Allen), but things are starting to look bad. The crowd favorite, Frankenstein has died but no one knows that. She frames Jensen(Statham) for murdering his wife and tells him he can have his freedom if he races as Frankenstein. Frankenstein only has one race left to win. Machine gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson) is Frankenstein's nemesis. Jensen agrees to race and the race begins!

Don't worry about the story because the script sure doesn't. Jensen was some kind of race car driver as some point in his life, we think, we don't really know. What matters here is the race and what a glorious exploitation good time is to be had by the final 45 minutes of Death Race. We get to see people killed in all kinds of fun ways and we get to see a few spectacular crashes including one glorious slow motion accident that is DOPE! Throw in 3 fist fights with Statham and you have a rollicking good ass time. Death Race is a loud visually crazy movie and you will feel like your eyes and ears have been assaulted but it is that glorious kind of assault. It is that kind of brainless action you want right before the summer ends. It was nice to sit back and tell my brain "Dude, it is cool to take a nap right now, I got this." Nothing in the movie makes particular sense but it is so damn entertaining you forgive all of it.

There isn't really much else that can be said. I mean this is a guy movie and the trailer kind of says it all. If you enjoy these kind of movies, this will not disappoint, but it doesn't appeal to you, just stay away. Jason Statham does his usual stoic tough guy act and Tyrese is his usual flamboyant, tough, but charming self. Also, there is a girl in this named Natalie Martinez who is 100 different kinds of sexy and is totally comfortable being the eye candy in this testosterone fest. It is really the cherry on the awesome sundae created by Paul W.S Anderson (The director). Death Race is not a good movie, but it knows that and it revels in being trash. Very few things are better than movies that are better suited being video games, when they get it right and this does get ti right. It is really worth watching just for the middle race, where Hennessey lets out this big semi truck, with machine guns, flame throwers and rockets attached. It is quite a sight and quite an awesome scene of destruction. I am not a car guy or an adrenaline junkie and this movie allows me to pretend to be both. AWESOME!

Death Race: B

The House Bunny

My interest in this movie was solely hinged on my new love for Emma Stone. I am not the biggest Anna Faris fan and I don't think she is hot enough for Playboy, but mostly the trailers just made her look like an absolute idiot. What this world really needs is another dumb hot blonde, right? But Emma Stone, oh Emma Stone. Then a video was released of the girls singing an updated, wanna be rap version of "I know what boys like" and I was pretty much turned off to seeing the movie. Seriously, that video is one of the most atrocious things I have ever seen. Look it up on Youtube. However, free movies are hard to turn down, plus I like watching the movies we have so I can tell people what I think when I ask.

Shelley was an orphan who grew up ugly, so no one wanted her. Then she became hot and became a Playboy bunny, being featured in the magazine for the spreads "Girls with G.E.D.'s", "Girls from the Midwest" and "Girls with Charlie Sheen." She has just turned 27 and been informed she must move out of the Playboy mansion. After a night in jail (more on that later) she needs a place to live and becomes the house mother for a sorority. Unfortunately the sorority is for the 7 ugly/weird/smart girls on campus who need to get 30 pledges otherwise their house will be shut down and bought by the evil pretty girl sorority. Never fear, makeovers are here! Shelley teaches the girls how to be hot, how to flirt and how to be popular. Some of the guidelines are "always compliment a guy" and "Guys hate smart girls." Girl Power indeed! During the course of the movie, the sorority becomes popular, Natalie (Emma Stone) the head of their sorority gets the boy and the girls lose themselves. When picking pledges- they have their pick now- the girls are all catty and making fun of noses and whatnot. They fire Shelley who goes back to Playboy(More on that later) but in the end they all need each other. Littered in the movie are scenes of the evil sorority pulling stunts on the good sorority and scenes of Shelley on a date with a guy who is smart and sweet, therefore immune to Shelley's brand of idiocy.

Anyone who watches The Girls Next Door knows Hugh Hefner would never kick a girl out of his house and of course during the movie we find out an evil bunny forged the note to Shelley and also forged Shelley's note to Hef saying she joined the Peace Corp. It seems the writers wrote the movie one way, let Hef read it and he said "I would never kick the girls out", so they threw this evil bunny thing in at the last second. It is a lame plot point, but I guess the movie could not exist without it. Also, when she is kicked out of the mansion, she has no money for a hotel room? This entire premise seems aimed at setting up a blow job joke. She is living in her car, brushes her teeth and spits it out on the street, a cop sees it, asks her to get out of the car and as he is going for his Breathalyzer machine, he says "I am going to need you to blow on this" and she thinks he means a blow job so she slowly lowers herself out of frame. Now, I am all for blow job jokes, but the set up takes forever and seems so pointless. These are only two instances of horrid story issues.

That being said, the first 35 to 40 minutes are actually pretty funny. Emma Stone, as the uber nerdy Natalie (She thinks a good fundraiser would be a Battlestar Gallactica night), gets a whole lot of laughs. She proves a pretty good comic actress and is capable of handling the kind of awkward girl humor in contrast of Anna Farris' stupid girl act. If you like Anna Farris you will most likely enjoy watching her in this, although she isn't nearly as good of a physical comic actress as people thinks he is, in my opinion. Kat Dennings and Rumor Willis get some laughs as side characters and Kat Dennings is super hot when the characters go through the make over montage. Once the girls complete their hotness transition, the movie loses itself in stupidity. The girls throw parties and everything is going well and of course, they get boys and blah blah blah.

Movies like this are well intentioned but the fact remains, the only reason the girls gain the popularity is because they sold themselves out to be popular. They changed their physical identities as well as their personalities. Yes, in the end they make their sorority about accepting anyone as they are, but it never would have happened if they didn't slut themselves up. The message may be about acceptance, but it is also about how you have to be hot before anyone will pay attention to you. If the final scene in the movie had come before the transition, no one would have paid attention in any way shape or form. Emma Stone, as a nerd couldn't get anyone to listen, but Emma Stone in a mini skirt, heels and hot girl make up can command a room. Is that really the way it should be?

The House Bunny has a few laughs towards the beginning, but it is a mess overall. Anna Farris is hot, sure, but maybe I just do not get her as a comic actress. I think Malin Ackerman would have been so much better in this, plus she is hot enough to be in Playboy. Also, a movie about a Playboy bunny that is PG-13 is stupid. There is plenty of T&A, which I cannot complain about, but I think for impressionable 12-15 year old girls, the message might get lost in the idea of dumbing yourself down to get the hot guy to notice you.

Final Grade: D+

The Rocker

I am just going to jump right into this one.

Robert Fishman(Rainn Wilson) believes he is about to be on top of the world as the drummer of Vesuvius, a metal band poised to hit the big time. The problem is, the record label wants the band to kick "Fish" out of the band because the nephew of a big wig wants in the band. At first the band is reluctant, but they do it and leave fish in the dust. 20 years later, Vesuvius is still on top and Fish has not gotten over it. He loses his job and girlfriend in the same day and has to move in with his sister and her family. Matt Gadman (Josh Gad), Fish's nephew is in a high school band who needs a drummer to help them play the prom. That gig goes well at first, but in the end, Fish ruins the gig with his crazy drum solos. The other two members of the band, Amelia (The super sexy Emma Stone) and Curtis (Teddy Geiger) want Fish out of the band, but Fish strikes a deal where if he gets them a gig, he can stay. He gets them the gig but it doesn't go well and Fish has to move out. Matt finds a way they can rehearse, but Fish rehearses naked, it hits youtube and all of a sudden they are a minor sensation. They get a record contract and a tour and the movie follows them on the tour.

No, there is nothing particularly memorable about The Rocker, but it is a fine movie on a lazy day to enjoy. It has some great comic moments, some fun rock stuff that makes you wish you were on tour and a nice message about not chasing after what doesn't want you because it is their loss. The movie waits about 85 minutes to come up with a real conflict and solves that conflict in a matter of minutes so it is a bit silly, but it is harmless. In fact, the entire movie is harmless. The physical comedy works, but it is nothing new and Wilson, in a role meant for Will Ferrell or Jack Black, does a pretty damn good job. I forgot briefly he is mostly known for such a straight edge role on T.V. The music is okay, if a bit emo, but Fish is constantly making light of the emo music so it works because he says what we want to say about the music. It is easy to see where the movie is going from very early on, but it has a spirit to it and that is thanks to Wilson. He brings a nice energy and it seems like everyone else caught on.

The young band members all do a great job. Gad is like Jonah Hill, but with an ability to be taken seriously and Teddy Geiger does a pretty good job as the tortured song writer. Geiger and Wilson share this excellent montage type scene that really captures the spirit of the music and the spirit of optimism often lacking in movies. However, I was all about Emma Stone. I have loved her since Drive on T.V and of course, Superbad. She is super hot, but it is an odd kind of hot. She totally looks great with a guitar strapped on and she does a good job of anchoring all of the testosterone with some nice girl power moments. Christina Applegate comes in to also balance out the testosterone and she has some fun as the mother of Geiger.

There is nothing in this movie that is going to make anyone stand up and cheer out right and maybe it is just another movie, but I had a good Time. It is a nice distraction and sometimes that is okay. Plus, who doesn't wish they were a rock star?

Final Grade: C

Tropic Thunder

I loathe Ben Stiller and I more than loathe Jack Black. I find both of these men to be criminals against comedy. They rank right below Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler as the most annoying comic actors working today. Why, oh why, would I even waste my time watching a movie that strongly featured both of these "comic talents?" The easy answer is Robert Downey Jr. I am not a Johnny-come-lately Downey Jr fan either. My love for his talent is long standing and I always knew he would be back on top. The longer answer to watching this movie involves a red band trailer and a little kid being tossed off of a bridge. The question was will Stiller and Black being annoying overshadow Robert Downey Jr? Well read on to find out.

Besides being the title of the movie we are watching Tropic Thunder is also the name of the movie being made within the movie. Tugg Speedman(Stiller) is an action star looking to revitalize his career after his action franchise has cooled off and his money making potential decreased (think Tom Cruise) and he needs Tropic Thunder to be a hit. Also on board is comic star Jeff Portnoy (Black). Portnoy is the star of The Fatties, a comedy where Portnoy is ina fat suit for every character and the whole premise is that fat people fart and it is funny. He also has a heroin addiction. Rounding out the trio of superstars is Kirk Lazarus( Downey Jr), an actor's actor. He is an Australian method actor who is well decorated with awards. In order to play the company's black character, Lazarus undergoes a surgery to make himself black and he spends the entire picture "talking black." The movie is not going well and the director is on edger and willing to do anything to make the movie better. He turns to Four-Leaf, the guy who wrote the book and is being played by Speedman) and Four-Leaf says they should drop the actors in the jungle and just shoot what really happens. Along the way the actors think they aren't maybe shooting a movie and Speedman is kidnapped, but thinks the whole thing is a movie.

The difference between satire and spoof is a very fine line, but essentially a spoof is just making fun of everything without really trying to make a point and a satire is trying to make a point. Tropic Thunder is a satire of Hollywood and a satire of the people whoa re in Hollywood. The actors get it, the studio executives get it, the agents get it, hell everyone gets it. And it is flat out hilarious. Everyone gets their moments to shine and that is a credit to Ben Stiller, the director of this mad-cap satire. Jack Black, usually too annoying to be funny, is annoying sure, but it works here. He spends most of the movie dying for some heroin and he plays it pretty hilarious. Still, as Speedman, is funny, sad, arrogant, ignorant and flat out funny. He really lets everyone else get the major laughs, and while he is doing his straight man thing, here it works again. Of course, the real star is Robert Downey Jr. It begins in the opening scene, a fake movie trailer, and it continues through the entire movie. Downey Jr is the single funniest thing I have seen this summer and his no fear approach to something that is down right offensive turns out to not be offensive, in my eyes. Black face is something that is looked at as a black eye on movie history, but what Downey Jr. does is beyond that. He plays Lazarus as a man who believes he is black in this movie and believed he was Irish in an Irish movie and so on. He almost breaks your heart towards the end, but the comedy he finds in every moment is flat out genius.

Now, the black face thing is not the thing catching the majority of the controversy, which is saying something. Stiller's character, Speedman, once played a character in a movie called "simple Jack." Jack was a mentally disabled person and Tropic Thunder has some fun with that. I have to say that I do not believe Stiller and company set out to offend disabled people or the people who champion the cause, but those people are offended. Nothing can be done about it at this point. The movie is out and the scenes featuring Simple Jack exists. However, they are probably the only scenes where the comedy doesn't work. Is it an easy joke? Of course it is, but that is not the reason it isn't funny, it just isn't. There are things about it that are funny. For example, Stiller and Downey Jr have an entire conversation where Downey says "Never go full retard." He points out Rainman and Forrest Gump as examples and I am Sam as an example of going "full retard" and not winning Oscar gold. It is a true and hilarious biting satire of Hollywood and of actors.

There are also some great cameos from the likes of Toby Maguire and Matthew McConaughey(taking over for Owen Wilson after Wilson tried to kill himself). Also, the supporting players Brandon T. Jackson (Hilarious as a rapper turned actor) Bill- always dependable-Hader and Jay Barachel all get moments to shine. They all bring something funny and interesting the movie. But, Tom Cruise may just revitalize his movie career with his stunning supporting role. Sadly the role was blown because it would have been a nice surprise, but the spoilers do not even do it justice. He gives one of the funniest, ballsy things I have seen anyone of his stature do in a long time. I am not someone who hates Cruise, in fact I love his work, but he needed this and I hope people see it and realize he does not take himself nearly as seriously as people think he does.

Comedies are a dime a dozen, but this one outshines most of them. It is always funny and always interesting. The comedy works, but so do the action sequences. I never would have expected a movie starring Jack Black and Ben Stiller could possibly be this funny, but it is. It so is.

Final Grade: A-

Mirrors

Before I begin I must admit that I left this movie nearly half way through, so it may be wrong for me to write an actual review of it. I have seen worse movies, yes, but with this being awful and the circumstances involved in me watching it, it was too much and I had to walk out.

In case you did not know you were watching a movie called Mirrors, the movie goes out of its way to remind you. The opening credits all have mirror images; there are tons of ominous looking shots of full standing mirrors and the word "mirror" is used in pretty much every single line of dialog spoken through the first 45 minutes of this suck fest. Keifer Sutherland even has a classic bad horror movie line "Mirrors...they are everywhere." BRILLIANT!! I left before the plot took hold, but allow me to take a stab at it. Keifer Sutherland is a cop who killed someone and has been drinking ever since. He takes a job as a night watchman in an abandoned store. The store burned down years ago and they have no desire to fix it, yet they have to keep homeless people out. When he goes into the store, the mirrors act weird. My guess there is a spirit in the mirrors that want out. Keifer goes searching for the reasons for the crazy mirrors, he finds it, fixes it but most likely pays for it with his life, or maybe he just gets trapped behind the mirrors for eternity. If you saw this movie, please tell me how I did.

Very rarely do scary movies have legitimate scares anymore. See, there are legitimate scares and fake out scares. Most movies only have fake out scares now. "What is a fake out scare?" you ask. That is easy. Anytime the movie gets super quiet only to suddenly make a loud sound. That is not a real scare. Yes, it makes you jump, but not because the movie is scary, but because sudden loudness from total silence makes people jump. That is nonsense. This movie features nothing but fake out scares, my favorite being a bird flapping its wings that are some how so loud they sound like a gun shot. It must have been some sort of super bird! The movie is gruesome for the sake of being gruesome, which I am sure is fine with gore hounds, but it is kind of relentless on its attack on good taste. The acting is horrid all the way around, but Paula Patton wins the award for most god awful acting. I am not sure if humans wrote the script or if they just let some computer do it for them using the keyword "mirrors" but it is so unbelievably bad, Porn scripts look good by comparison.

These movies have an audience and there was a time when I was maybe in that audience, but at this point in my life, I have better things I could be doing at 1am. Oh and since the spirits trapped in the mirrors can get you from any reflective surface, like water, this movie is erroneously called Mirrors, but I guess it is catchier than Reflective surfaces.

Final Grade: F

Pineapple Express

While I do not smoke weed, nor have I ever smoked weed, I love stoner movies, I cannot quite explain why, but I do. Half Baked, How High, etc, all that shit, I love it. I also seem to love movies written by Seth Rogen. So it was just my luck that Seth Rogen decided to write a stoner movie. Not only did he write a stoner movie, he wrote a stoner action movie that seemed aimed at people who love 1980s action movies. What is not to love, really? I have been anxiously awaiting this movie since the Superbad DVD came out and I saw the clip that featured the line "It smells like God's vagina." What does it mean? I have no idea. It is nonsense, but brilliant nonsense; it is the kind of nonsense I love from Judd Apatow and his gang of super talented improv artists. I was so ready for this bad boy!

The movie opens in black and white, in a year I do not remember, but it was like the 1930s or something. We are in a secret underground military base where a Private Miller (the super reliable Bill Hader) is smoking weed while being questioned. After a hilarious exchange, it is decided that weed should be made illegal. Cut to present day where Dale Denton(Rogen) is smoking weed and calling talk radio about why it should be legalized. Dale is a loser process server who smokes weed all day and is dating an unbelievably hot high school senior. He dreams of being a talk radio host. His dealer, Saul Silver(James Franco) is a nice guy who sells pot because he genuinely loves selling pot. Saul has a new strand of pot called "Pineapple express." He is the only one in the area who sells it. He sells some to Dale and after some awkward conversation, Dale takes off to serve Ted Jones. When he gets to Jones house, he stops to smoke some pineapple express and witnesses Jones killing someone. Dale tosses the joint out of the window and takes off for Saul's house. Jones picks up the joint, takes a hit and knows exactly whose it is. He sends two hit men after him and a chase film ensues. Dale and Saul contact Saul's connect, Red (Danny McBride), but Red sold them out. Dale and Saul go on the run again, knowing they cannot go to the police because Ted Jones has police on the pay roll. In the middle somewhere a war breaks out between pot growers, with Ted Jones' gang at war with a bunch of Asian Ninjas with serious guns.

I was pleasantly surprised by The 40-yr old virgin; I couldn't believe Superbad and Knocked up were as funny as they were; I got exactly what I wanted to out of Pineapple Express. Does that mean my expectations were higher for this? I don't think so, I just had my expectations at just the right level. Rogen and Franco make a pretty damn entertaining on screen pair. Franco really shines in a role that totally downplays his looks and upps his comedic timing. He seems so at ease playing the lovable loser. It is almost as if he would rather do this than be all handsome and shit. There is a ton of comic gold within the first half of this movie with nonsense one liners like "This smells so good, I feel bad smoking it, like killing a unicorn." There is a brilliant conversation about a dead car battery and I am sure I missed lines because I was laughing the BIG KYLE LAUGH. The opening sequence with Bill Hader is a genius opening scene except that it kept Hader in only the first 5 minutes. This guy is invaluable, why is he being wasted in Saturday Night Live?? Gary Cole and Rosie Perez do a good job as the villains and Cole's line delivery of "Has anyone seen my bigger knife" cracked me up.

However, this is not a straight comedy. The action/violence/gore gets really revved up in the final 45 minutes. As the action intensifies, the movie does lose some of its comedy, which may disappoint some people just looking for a stoner comedy, but I think the action is well paced and well placed. The car chase is both funny and action packed and it serves as a nice transition from stoner comedy to buddy action film. What I loved most about the buddy action stuff, is that they intentionally play up the homosexual undertones of so many of those kinds of movies. Apatow is credited with creating the subgenre "Bromantic comedy", and here Rogen has some fun with it with some pretty over the top gay stuff. Of course, the line "Bromosexual" kind of sums that whole thing up. As the gun play and hand to hand combat overtake the comedy, it feels a little overwhelming, but it is nicely staged and the director does a good job of giving Saul and Dale different scenarios in where and whom to fight. It is hard to imagine Seth Rogen in hand to hand combat, but the whole scene is actually entertaining and allows for some "Ow" and "Oh shit that had to hurt" moment from me. Yes, I really do get into movies.

I have only one real complaint about Pineapple Express and that is Danny McBride. This guy is supposedly the new comic find with Adam McCay, Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow swearing by him. He wrote, directed and starred in a movie that Hollywood comedy heavyweights loved, but I don't get it. Maybe he is funny, but in Pineapple Express he was like a rookie in an all star game. Maybe he belongs there, but he is overshadowed and looks scared. Red should be an awesome character and this guy just underwhelmed me. There had to be someone else in the Apatow troupe that could have done that role, or even some other actor that would have been better. He just didn't do anything for me and that was too bad, because it is such a great characters with a ton of great stuff to do. With such a wide range of actors they could have got for that part, why go to someone like McBride? Maybe he just doesn't work for me in the way Ferrell doesn't work for me. I could picture them going to someone like Vince Vaughn for the role of Red, or maybe go smaller in stature and had Jay Baruchel which would have been hilarious.

The final scene makes this movie, though. It is truly a perfect final scene.

Pineapple Express offers a lot of laughs and some great action, but be warned, it does get bloody and if you pay attention there is an anti-drug message hidden in there. It is not an outright preachy movie in the vain of Requiem for a dream, but it exists. Granted most of the audience will be too high to pick it out. If you go watch the movie, stay for the beginning of the credits for a treat: A new HUEY LEWIS SONG!!!!

Final Grade: B+

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

I have one defense for seeing this movie: My little sister is about to go away to college and we hardly see each other anymore, so this was a chance for us to hangout. I hope that is a good enough reason to avoid me being ridiculed forever. Here it goes.

Bridget (Blake Lively), Lena (Alexis Bledel) Carmen (America Ferrera) and Tibby(Amber Tamblyn) are back. The school year is over and Carmen is excited to see all of her friends all summer. Sadly things don't work out so much. Bridget got accepted into some archeology dig in Turkey, Lena is going to draw a naked dude all summer, Tibby flunked a class and has to take summer school and Carmen feels betrayed. She takes up an offer from another friend to go to Vermont and work back stage at a summer theater. Bridget's story involves an unusual love for finding skull fragments followed by visiting her grandmother for the first time in many years. She is trying to find out why her mother killed herself. Tibby has sex with her boyfriend, thinks she is pregnant and breaks up with him. Lena falls for the nude model, but her Greek boyfriend comes back and complicates things. Carmen ends up as the lead in the play, falls in love with a Heath Ledger look-a-like and wonders what happened to the sisterhood because the girls are falling away from each other.

I have a very vague recollection of the first movie, but honestly does it matter? I mean seriously, this movie is so not aimed at me. However, it is actually kind of a good movie. It helps that all 4 of the girls can actually act. Blake Lively is kind of the next big thing right now on T.V and of course, America Ferrera (total bitch, tried to get out this movie) is Ugly Betty. Alexis Bledel will always be Rory Gilmore and while Amber Tamblyn is usually making awful sequels (Grudge 2 and Havoc 2) she is a pretty talented girl. It is nice to see some young actresses who can actually act and aren't tabloid fodder all of the time. The problem with the movie is that there a 4 girls heading into different directions and in two hours they have to tell 4 different stories. Things get lost, characters disappear for far too long and we end up with a lot of really short scenes that we have to try and piece together to get the stories.

Yet, I am a sucker for stories about friendships transcending everything. I am a total sucker for stories where friends fight, but are still there in an emergency and this is one of those stories. Carmen remains the main focus, even though I found her story to be the least appealing and Ferrera, while on protest for this thing, does a good job of narrating the story, while being involved. My sister told me this movie was a combination of the final 3 books, which it kind of felt like. At times I wasn't sure why certain things were happening, but my guess they were nods to the books. Each book is narrated by a different girl, which would have been kind of cool here, because it would have given one of the other girls a chance to shine in the lead role.

I don't really have much else to say, except the movie goes on for about 15 minutes longer than I was prepared for it go. I would complain but taking the story back to Greece, gave Blake Lively the chance to show off her body more, so complaining just seems dumb. The girls are all great together and they are clearly enjoying playing these characters, so it is really hard to find fault in it. The theme of friendship being forever is a theme I think anyone can get behind and their is a fair amount of humor, especially from Tamblyn. I doubt they will churn anymore of these out, which is a shame because I need more Alexis Bledel in my life.

Final Grade: B-

The Wackness

I had a single purpose for seeing this movie: 1990s rap music. The lead character loves it and I had heard that the music becomes like a character in the film. Nostalgia doesn't usually hold a huge power over me, but nostalgia featuring hip-hop from 1994 does. Nothing else really matter to me going in, not the big fuss over Ben Kingsley being dry humped by one of the Olsen twins and not that a former Nickelodeon kid was starring in an R-Rated movie. Of course, the single focus of 1990s hip-hop doesn't mean it would be a good movie on top of that.

Set in the summer of 1994, we meet a soft spoken broken teenager named Luke Shapiro(Josh Peck). Shapiro's family doesn't get along and they are having problems. He just graduated from High School without a single friend. He escapes the world by putting on his headphones, pushing play and listening to the sounds of Nas, Notorious B.I.G. and A Tribe Called Quest. He spends his days selling weed and talking to his psychiatrist, Dr. Squires(Kingsley), whom he trades sessions for weed. Dr. Squires is a very sad lonely man trapped in a loveless marriage with a rambunctious step daughter, Stephanie (the ridiculously beautiful Olivia Thirlby). Luke wants desperately to have sex with Stephanie and one day they end up hanging out. Stephanie kind of digs Luke and they start hanging out more. Dr. Squires warns Luke that Stephanie is just bored because all of her friends are gone for the summer. When Luke's parents get an eviction notice, Luke steps up his weed selling, using Dr. Squires' connections to sell it to people with more money; they form an odd friendship and eventually realize they are each other's only true friend. In the process, Luke creates a mixtape for both Dr. Squires and Stephanie and Dr. Squires creates a mixtape for Luke featuring non rap music.

"The Wackness" refers to a line in the movie where Stephanie proclaims to Luke "I see the dopeness in everything, and you just see the wackness." This kind of sums up the movie for me. The character of Luke is not only a total downer, Josh Peck's portrayal is annoying. His voice rarely goes over a whisper and often cracks in it's quietness. He has the right look and the right attitude for it, but everything else is kind of all wrong to me. The character is supposed to be unsure of himself, but so often it felt like the actor was unsure of himself, not the character. Ben Kingsley does a great job as the mentor who has his own issues. It is a bit of a mannered performance, but he does get all of the best dialog and the meatiest moments in the movie (read: the last 25 minutes). For her part, Olivia Thirlby is pretty much awesome. Even though their paring feels forced, she does her best to make it seem like she digs Josh Peck's Luke. She totally rocks a bikini and is super cute when called upon to be as such. Famke Janssen has a brief appearance as Dr. Squires wife, but doesn't really do much and all of the other roles are merely cameos, like The Olsen twin.

One of my bigger complaints about the movie deal with the narrative itself. Often times, when movies have more than one main character, it works, but here I was never entirely comfortable with it. Dr. Squires is presented as a supporting character, but at one point in the film, he kind of takes over and the story becomes about him. It became unclear what was going on. I found myself wondering why I should care about this Dr. Squires. I wanted more of a coming of age story and less of a I-am-trapped-in-a-boring-marriage movie. By the time it refocuses on Luke I was pretty much bored by the entire thing. Maybe I should just be mad at the trailers for leading me to believe the story was going to be a coming of age story, but I am not sure the director really knew what he wanted. In the opening sequence, Luke gets on the subway, sees a girl in a skirt, focuses on her and then talks about his fantasies and in a dream bubble, the fantasy comes to life. In a scene where he is happy later, the sidewalk lights up to throw us back to Billie Jean, but those are the only moments of such a thing. Instead of keeping with that theme, those two instances just come off seeming weird because they were not followed through.

There are some great moments though. Pretty much every scene between Peck and Thirlby is nicely paced and has nice dialog. They have a nice easy chemistry and the long sequence of them on the beach is a fun, sexy and charming. Also, the music is quite excellent. I was hoping for more of the nostalgic 1990s rap music having seen the track listing from Sundance, but the movie got re cut and stuff had to be lost due to an inability to get the rights to certain music. The music doesn't really become the secondary character I had hopes for, but they did a pretty good job of picking the right songs to fit certain moments. My only music complaint was that during the scene involving Method Man, where he is introducing Luke to Notorious B.I.G, the song he is playing features Method Man. While that song is one of Biggie's best tracks, it took me out of the movie watching Method Man act, while a Method Man verse is playing in the background.

I can't say I really enjoyed the movie because I spent a good portion of the second half checking my watch and wondering when and how it would end. Maybe the underground hype mislead me into believing I would be watching something new and interesting, but in the end the whole thing was pretty typical. The nostalgia only goes so far.

Final Grade: C-

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Goofy Brendan Fraser movies just work for me. You can go all the way back to Encino Man and see a career littered with these big goofy, mostly innocent movies. He works in them. He just knows how to make those kinds of movies. You can put me in the column of people who loved the first two Mummy movies, not because they are amazing movies, but because they were fun. I was not thrilled about Rob Cohen (XXX and Stealth) taking over the directing duties and was even less thriller when Rachel Weitz dropped out of the film, due to script issues. That is never a good sign. However, Fraser was in it and he perfectly delivered in the trailer with the line "Yeah, same Mummy...twice." It missed the three-quel summer of last year, but here it is; a third mummy movie.

With a prologue that eats up an unnecessary 10-15 minutes, we learn an emperor (unnamed!) wanted to rule all of China and then the world, but he knew he would die. He had to "defeat death" and found a woman who could help him. The woman fell in love with the general of the emperor's army and instead of giving the emperor eternal life, she cursed him and his whole army. Oh, it should be noted that the emperor had control of the FIVE elements, including WOOD and METAL. Captain Planet did not have METAL or WOOD and Captain planet knows the elements, Rob Cohen does not. Cut to goofy Rick O'Connell trying to learn how to fly fish, in the one scene of pure innocent goofiness. He and his wife are rich and bored, secretly missing the risky life of killing mummies. Conveniently they get the opportunity to take some priceless artifact to China, where Mrs. O'Connell's brother inexplicably owns a night club. Oh and the O'Connell son is now 20 and a budding archaeologist. 30 minutes into the movie, the tomb is finally discovered and due to some weird back stabbing thing, the Mummy is resurrected, partly. He has to walk through the pool of Eternal life to go back to human looking form and become a shape shifter. Some other stuff happens, like weird sexual discussions between father and son; a realty bad acting Asian girl is immortal, Jet Li, as the emperor takes off his face and chucks it at the son...there is one more thing..oh yes YETI (I am not sure how to pluralize Yeti. I think ti stays Yeti). Not only does the movie feature three Yeti, they are good guys, with senses of humor...Oh and they somehow understand Chinese. It is a neat trick!

I am often a proponent of the BIG DUMB action movie during the May-August months. I enjoy turning my brain off and enjoying dumb fun. However, there is only so much one man can take. The Mummy 3 goes beyond what I, as a human being with common sense, can take. Whatever innocent fun was had the first two installments is replaced by awkward conversations, noise, atrocious dialog and very very bad acting. The new cast members, are all excruciatingly bad, but Maria Bello shines in her suck. Usually a strong actress, Bello does not have what it takes to play a character in these types of movies. Her mugging gets painful and she is obviously uncomfortable doing this type of movie. Fraser doesn't appear terribly interested in what is going on either. In the first Mummy we got to know the mummy a bit, but here, the mummy is nameless and characterless. He can control basically everything, but somehow never manages to kill anyone! He is the dumbest supernatural entity to ever be on screen, I think. Even the little girl in the Ring was killing people! This Mummy just growls and yells a lot.

There is also way to too much bad CGI. When the emperor turns into a 3 headed dragon (for seemingly no reason) or when he turns into..ummm I am not sure what it was, some kind of bear like beast, the CGI just doesn't look that impressive. When I got home at the end of the night Peter Jackson's King Kong was on and like the movie or not, King Kong was damn impressive looking. Rob Cohen just doesn't know what he is doing. Michael Bay is often criticized for the lack of hear tor soul in his movies, but Bay's movies are like The Grinch at the end of the story compared to Cohen's. Much of the story doesn't make logical sense, but it is not confusing because every line of dialog is expository. The only way to kill the emperor was to stab him in the heart with a special knife and we know this because we were told it no less than 7 times throughout the movie. I think every character said it too.

At the end of the movie there is a mass battle between good undead guys and bad undead guys, but never once did any of the undead guys stop for second and marvel that they were sort of alive again. The undead general didn't even hesitate when he saw the love of his life was still alive THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER! I don't care how much you want to kill someone, if your lover from thousands of years earlier was somehow still alive, you would probably pause for a second and wonder "Wait, what?" Am I nitpicking? Possibly, but when a movie isn't entertaining, you start to pick apart the logical flaws.

I was not asking from much in this movie; I just wanted to be entertained. I was not. It failed on the very basic level in which a movie can fail. A movie with mummies, three headed dragons and YETI(!) should entertain. It should be easy for a movie to be entertaining when an undead army is fighting an undead army. Sadly, the best thing in this movie isn't even a fight, or an effect, it is a single line uttered by Fraser in the middle of a fight. He turns to his wife and says "From now when I say 'We've been in worse things than this' this will be the worse thing I am talking about." Thank you Brendan Fraser for still finding a way to make me laugh, even when you so obviously didn't want to be there.

Final Grade: D