the 10 most disappointing movies I have seen

As I was pondering new possibilities for a top 10 list, my co-worker put the idea of a disappointing movies list. I kind of thought about it for a few days and tried to come up with some crazy unbelievable list like a list calling Wizard of Oz disappointing or something like that, but the fact is, most disappointing movies are sequels for me or bad comic book movies because in order for a movie to disappoint me, I had to go into a movie with high expectations and usually when it comes to classic cinema, I don't get big expectations. So here is my list, perhaps not as sexy or as controversial as it could have been, but deal with it!


10. The Village- I was among the minority who felt Signs was an excellent film. Sure, the ending was a little weaker than I would have liked, but the movie was scary and interesting. Add to that, Unbreakable and The 6th Sense, it seemed M. Night could do no wrong. This was a movie about creepy monsters stalking the woods of a village and featured a great cast, so I had high expectations of it. Sadly, this movie is short on scares, turns out to be crazy predictable and just lacks the usual punch his movies had. William Hurt is at his possible worst and Adrien Brody is so painful to watch that I felt it negated him having an Oscar. I had this movie figured out in 30 minutes and wince M. Night relies so heavily on the big reveal at the end, this was a borefest for me.


9. Batman Forever- Val Kilmer and Tommy Lee Jones are great actors and Jim Carrey may have been the best choice ever for The Riddler and while Tim Burton was no longer attached, Joel Schumacher wanted to bring out the wild colors the Batman comics of the nineties had. It seemed like everything was there for a great comic book movie, but man did it ever go wrong. First off, Tommy Lee Jones was so over the top that Jim Carrey had to go even bigger to find The Riddler, then we added Chris O' Donnell to this horrid mix and the entire franchise just had the momentum robbed from it.


8. Harry Potter 5- The poster was awesome. The trailer was outstanding. The line "You will lose Everything" is epic and the 3rd and 4th installments of this franchise just raised the bar and the level of excitement. I went in expecting to be blown away yet again, and instead I was blown into a near R.E.M sleep of boredom. Where was the magic? And who turned Harry Potter into a kid who would listen to Plain White Tee's and cry about it? Lacking any sense of good storytelling or interesting style the movie meanders about for over 2 and a half hours before coming to a non conclusion only leaving me more frustrated and less excited for the final two installments.


7. Finding Nemo- Perhaps the only real controversial movie on my list because it is so beloved, but why? Well, Pixar had had hit after hit until this point and the company had turned kids movies into smart, moving, touching, good-for-the-entire-family fun. I didn't get to see this until a few weeks after it came out, so the hype was beyond anything I had seen for an animated film. Ellen Degeneres is always funny and the animation looked stunning so it was another sure fire hit. Except someone forgot to tell the writers/directors to give me someone to care about. Nemo was a brat, Dora was annoying, Marlin didn't make me care if he found his kid again oh and the jokes, flat, flat flat.


6. Superman Returns- The fact that Superman was being played by a nobody mattered nothing to me because Bryan Singer(X-men and Usual Suspects) was the director and Kevin "Freaking" Spacey was playing Lex Luthor. Nothing could wrong here, nothing at all. Well, I was wrong. The movie is fine, I guess. It is average with a twist that doesn't twist, a Lois that is both bland and unpretty and the movie saw less action than I did in High School, which is saying something. They gave away the single best shot in the trailer and even Kevin Spacey could not save this thing from being a mess. It still stings to think about at times.


5.The Matrix Reloaded- With the first Matrix changing the entire scope of action movies, it was a near impossible task to top it, but because the movie made so much money the studio decided they needed to try and top it. The plot makes even less sense, the Jesus metaphor gets even more obnoxious and obvious and the movie does not feature anything new or interesting in the visuals department. Keanu shows himself to be the non-actor we all know him to be and need I even mention the pie scene? What the hell was that all about. These guys went on to make an even more illogical third Matrix Movie which was not disappointing because I knew it would suck, although it did bring the Jesus metaphor full circle.


4. Kill Bill Volume 1- Tarentino is a genius in terms of cinema. Not just as a writer and director, but as a fan of movies. The guys knows everything about the different genres and I respect that he has been able to make the kinds of movies he wants to make. Here he wanted to make a kung fu spaghetti western set in modern times and who was I to tell him no. I was worried with Uma "I read lines like a child learning how to read" Thurman, but I knew Tarentino had written this movie for her in his attempt to nail her, so I forgave it. The action is fine and the violence/blood deliberately over the top, but there is something missing, oh yes, a soul. This movie was supposed to be a passion project, but the writing lacked a soul or any emotion at all. When this movie was over I felt as if I had been raped then arrested and raped again.


3. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace- It was only matter of time before the new Star Wars movie made my list and here it is. I am not the biggest Star Wars fan, but the original trilogy is the epitome of good Vs. Evil on screen and it is impossible not to get caught in the hype. The casting was great and the story seemed like it would be interesting enough, but wow did this ever turn into a suck fest of epic suck proportions. Who knew people who had been nominated for acting Oscars could turn into such wooden and stale performers. Forget how whiny Anakin is, who told Natalie Portman to be awful and Ewan McGregor to forget every good acting tip he ever had before. The movie features one awesome sword fight, but the rest of this movie is so god awful it mashes the fight into the ground and turns it into dust, dust that sucks, hard and fast.


2. Van Helsing- I know what you are thinking, "Why the hell is Van Helsing so far up this list." Well I shall tell you. When I first read Bram Stoker's Dracula, I was enamored with the character of Van Helsing. This guy had the balls to track and want to kill Dracula, what could be better than that. Then I found out Hugh "I am awesome all the way around" Jackman would be portraying the the slick, handsome, rugged hunter and I was sold. Then you tell me that Kate Beckinsale is going to be in it and I see from he trailer that she is in leather and I think, "wow even better.!" The trailer looked good and on opening day I was there. Luckily I did not have any sharp objects or I might have slit my wrists over this train wreck of a train wreck. The CGI looks like he let 6 year olds create it (no offense to 6 year olds) and Hugh Jackman looks as if he knows he is a crappy movie. They found a way to ruin Frankenstein, the Werewolf myth, Dracula and Van Helsing all within 2 hours. I guess I have to give some credit accomplishing that. Way to go!


1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest- I know this is about the most obvious number 1 disappointing movie for me, but I never pass up an opportunity to bring back up just how much of an embarrassment to the ideals of cinema this movie truly is. I understand that sentence was awful, but just thinking about this movie makes me forget how to be an intelligent human being. The first Pirates movie was mesmerizing. It was funny, thrilling, sexy and romantic. The second Pirates is dull, characterless, unsexy, dreadfully unfunny and lifeless. Johnny Depp returns as Jack Sparrow but when Mickey Mouse left the money on the night stand after the sex, Depp seems to have lost his heart, his soul and his very fiber that made him a wonderful actor. Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom can't seem to agree on who gets to pose and look pretty and who gets to be the worse actor. I have seen many direct to video movies and a few cinematic adventures that are worse than this disgusting piece of garbage, but those movies had the good decency to not be popular, which makes my hatred for this even worse. How in the world people can find this movie good is beyond me and I have yet to hear a solid case for why anyone likes it because no one has a solid case. Those who like it usually accept that it sucks so bad it could be a porn star, but because they are Disney whores, they tell themselves to just take it and like it. I guess Johnny Depp started a trend!


Well there you have it. I am obviously a bit fired up now but it was good to get that all out. Feel free to list some of the movies you have seen that were incredibly disappointing and feel free to defend any movie on my list that you like, yes even Pirates, that is if you can muster up something other than "well Johnny Depp is so sexy as a pirate."