Jack the Giant Slayer

The first question you are probably going to ask yourself about 25 minutes into this movie is the following: Back in the times of swords and horses, was it customary for someone to have a Faux-Hawk? If that sounds ridiculous, it is, but I could not stop focusing on Ewan McGregor's Faux-Hawk which is made more ridiculous by every other character having longer hair, the way we are used to thinking of people of that time period wearing their hair. Yet, in the middle of all of that, there is this stupidly modern hair cut on the head of the lead security guard essentially. It is the starting point of problems for Jack the Giant Slayer. Perhaps if you are totally loving the movie you do not notice it, but when everything is kind of a mess, you start notice all of the nonsense and it is hard to beat a Faux-Hawk in the category of nonsense. Even in a contemporary movie a Faux-Hawk is distracting!

Jack grew up without a mom, but he remembers her telling him stories of Giants. Monks created magic beans in hopes of climbing to Heaven to meet God, but ended up coming face to face with Giants. The Giants went down to Earth and started wreaking havoc all over until the Kingdom created a crown fused with Giant blood that gave the crown wearer instant control over the Giants and under the king's control, the giants climbed back up to stay. Erik the Great, the King, was buried with the remaining beans and the crown. Cut to 15 years later and Jack (Nicholas Hault) is a bit grown up and living with his uncle. They are poor and Jack heads off to the market to sell his horse and buggy. While there he sees a damsel in distress and he hurries to her rescue. The damsel turns out to be Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson). However, in the fracas, Jack's carriage was stolen. With just his horse in tow, jack slinks off to home, but is accosted by a monk who tells Jack that he needs Jack's horse. he will pay him well, but he does not have money that second. He does have beans and that if he gives the beans to Jack and Jack takes the beans to the monastery the next day, he will be paid handsomely. When Jack agrees, the monk tells Jack not to let the beans get wet. When he returns home, Jack tries to explain to his irate uncle, and it does not go well. His uncle storms off to sell Jack's parents things in town so they can eat that week. A storm hits and in the middle of the night Jack is visited by the princess, who was trying to escape the castle because she will be forced to marry Roderick, a man twice her age at least. A bean gets wet, a giant beanstalk sprouts up and the princess is carried up into the sky.

I have no idea where the kingdom in this movie is, but there is something illogical about it. It appears to rain every night and be completely sunny every day. Is there some sort of weather phenomena that causes such a thing to happen? Every morning it is sunny, but when the sun goes down, it pours rain and screams with thunder. If I lived there, I would move. Once Jack, Roderick and Elmont (McGregor) get into the Giant's town, the movie gets even worse, if possible. The Giants are all crude disgusting creatures who are not even the least bit intimidating because they spend so much time picking their noses, burping, scratching their asses and slurring their words. Not sure why EVERY SINGLE GIANT had to be a disgustingly crude being, but I guess that is just how giants have to be. It is tough to be scared of a giant when you are just being grossed out be his need to eat his boogers. Apparently giants have the same mentality as a toddler. Good information to have if I ever come across a giant, I will just flash my keys in front of him and he will be distracted.

When even Stanley Tucci is terrible in a movie, you know something is wrong. Tucci should shine as the evil mastermind in this movie, but he looks bored out of his mind. he cannot even be bothered to be an over the top villain, which would have been awesome. Hault, who I loved in Warm Bodies, is totally bland here and his chemistry with Tomlinson is basically nonexistent. I never believed they were into each other. McGregor is swashbuckling enough for the role and he does a good job, but I just never got over his ridiculous hair.

That being said, the climax is completely awesome. Once the giants get down on the ground and start trying to bust into the kingdom, the movie really takes off. the giants become menacing, for one. The effects finally look great, especially when the giants light trees on fire and toss them into the kingdom. The action is well paced and the switch between the big fight and Jack and Isabelle's race through the kingdom to warn the surrounding kingdom's by sounding a bell is perfectly edited. I loved the initial chase through the open field and there is a great shot of the giants busting through the woods. For most of the final 30 minutes, I was completely entertained and my opinion of the movie was totally changing. Then they had to go and add a completely obnoxious and pointless epilogue to the film that takes the story into modern times. No one needs that!! No one cares! Go away with all of that noise!

Final Grade: D