Machete

I will never understand how this movie got made. I will never understand how Robert Rodriguez was able to con a studio into giving him the money to make a full length Grindhouse style movie from a fake trailer Rodriguez made to put in front of the under performing Grindhouse. Then, how he got Robert De Niro to agree to be in it with Steven Segal, Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan is a whole other story. Regardless of what Rodriguez had to agree to do, or how he worked his trickery, he did it. He got this movie made. They released a Cinco De Mayo trailer and took some jabs at the Arizona racial profiling bill, which is somewhat factored into the story. So going into the movie my main thought was "How did they get this movie made?" and my question coming out of the movie was "How did they get this movie made?"

Machete(Danny Trejo) is one bad ass Federali. By his nickname you can guess his weapon of choice and he uses it to hack off various body parts and basically clean shop, but the man was betrayed by the chief and a naked girl, who pulls a cell phone out of her vagina after stabbing Machete. Cut to a few years later and Machete is just another illegal alien in the United State looking for work. He makes friends with Luz(Michelle Rodriguez) and is being watched by Sartana(Jessica Alba), who works for Immigration. Machete is approached by Booth(Jeff Fahey) to kill Senator McLaughlin(De Niro), but it was a set up and soon all of Texas is looking for Machete. McLaughlin is courting the hardcore Conservative vote by wanting to build a protective fence to keep illegals out and this shooting has him rising in the polls. All the while Luz has set up an underground army of Mexicans ready to fight for the right to be in The USA.

Told with complete tongue in cheek violence, cheesy B-movie dialog and acting, Machete hits and misses, but ultimately falls flat. Danny Trejo is an invaluable character actor in so many roles, but as the leading man, he just does not have enough presence. Rodriguez wisely gives him minimal dialogue, but he just cannot carry the movie. Because of this, Rodriguez has assembled an impressive roster of actors both A list and C list. Jeff Fahey is a wonderful talent and does great work in this movie and his subplot involving his dirty thoughts towards his daughter, Lindsay Lohan, provides the one subplot I actually liked. De Niro is clearly having a blast hamming it up and both Alba and Michelle Rodriguez are bad ass enough, but the characters really should have been condensed into one character to save us about 10 minutes. Michelle is sexy as hell in the climax and Alba does get to kick some nice ass using the heel of a stiletto as a weapon.

The action is such a mixed bag. The movie starts off incredibly strong with this twisted, gory action sequence and it ends with a huge bang in terms of action, but the few action sequences in the middle of the movie are not as impressive. Robert Rodriguez seems a little gun shy at times to really let loose on the movie. he understands how not to take himself or the material seriously, but something is just missing with this one. A part of it is the material just does not warrant a feature length movie. It feels stretched way beyond what it should be. We get these side characters played by people like Don Johnson that do not serve enough of a function to make an impact on the screen or on the story.

Steven Seagal being the main villain was absolutely a big draw for me. I know that sounds stupid, but I grew up watching his movies on television. I loved his 1980s persona as a quiet, effective anti-hero who could not be killed. To see him as the full on villain was a treat and he did not disappoint. While he certainly does not move the way he used to, I had a total blast watching him squint and angrily whisper his way through the movie.

Machete does not lose the sense of ridiculousness as Lindsay Lohan is seen in a Nun's uniform shooting De Niro with a shot gun and for some that is worth the price of admission, but I cannot say I that I had as good a time as I had hoped. I loved Grindhouse, both halves, but this is almost Grindhouse light. Rodriguez had the actors and they were clearly game for whatever he was going to throw at them, but he squandered the opportunity, which is too bad because I was really hoping to just sit back and have one hell of a ride.

Final Grade: C-