Mike Myers has not been seen on screen since the Cat in the Hat debacle. In his time away he has been searching for inner peace and created a character. He wrote a movie featuring that character and this summer that movie got released. Audiences everywhere wished it hadn't.
The Guru Pitka (Myers) is the second best self-help guru but thinks if he can get on Oprah he will be first. Jessica Alba is inexplicably the owner of a hockey team who needs his help. The team's Tiger Woods character has started to suck because his wife has shacked up with the goalie of the other team. It is believed she did so because the goalie has a penis the size of an elephant trunk. The Guru sets off to help the black athlete conquer his fears of the giant white penis. Of course, none of that matters. What matters is the string of poop, urine, fart, booger and penis jokes that come at you for 90 minutes. Apparently Mike Myers spent his time off turning into a 6 year old child with bad taste. I don't know how old I was when farting and nose picking stopped being funny, but I am pretty sure it was before I was nearly 40. Never mind that I am not 40.
The Love Guru is so unbearably unfunny that it makes you question everything you ever thought you knew in life. You start to wonder if Mike Myers was ever really funny. It makes you think maybe Wayne's world is terrible. It is not possible for the person behind Wayne's World to also be this perpetrator of crimes against funny. I refuse to believe it. My hope is that Mike Myers has been abducted and the alien that now uses his body is only 5 years old. If that were the case it would maybe be acceptable for a movie to feature a scene where elephants have sex while Myers is riding on the back of the male elephant. Mike Myers has committed one of the worst crimes I have ever seen on film. I left the theater in a daze. It ruined my week and made me physically ill. At one point, I thought all of the joy I had ever felt in life was going to be sucked out. The Love Guru wants to rob us of joy and it wants to demolish our sense of humor and drown it in urine, because apparently soaking things in urine is funny to Myers.
You are categorically wrong if you believe the Love Guru is funny. If you even try to defend it I will know you are not human, but a clone from the Mike Myers factory from the depths of Hell. Justin Timberlake singing Celine Dion should not be the funniest thing in your movie. Cameo after Cameo The Love Guru gets worse. Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer, Marikta Harkshay, Kanye West and oh yes, Mike Myers cameoing as himself cannot rescue this dreck from drowning in its own feces.
Jessica Alba, who is no actress, cannot be faulted for this one because all her character does is laugh at the Guru, but the forced laughter is not her fault; no one can be expected to actually laugh here. In one scene, the Myers character is ordering something to eat and it is a pair of nuts inside a doughy wrapping (like testicles) and then those balls are smashed repeatedly before being placed under a pickle (Yes that is supposedly a joke). Well as I watched the nuts being smashed I could not help but wonder if having my own testicles smashed would be as painful as ever having to watch The Love Guru ever again. My guess is that having my testicles smashed would feel like a walk in the park compared to watching it again.
In case I have not been straight forward enough for you: The only movie I hate more than this is Pirates 2-3. This is the second worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Only this movie could make Steven Colbert unfunny.
Final Grade: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
1 comment:
When I was six years old, a friend and I tried to cut down a coyote willow (a desert tree, but more scrub than tree) with a pocketknife. We lost the knife in the leaf litter on the ground. Then we tried to yank the tiny tree out by the roots. We pulled and pulled. I lost my grip on the tree trunk, fell on the ground, and suddenly had a new problem: I had managed to knife myself in the testicles. Strangely, it wasn't exactly an unpleasant sensation - hurt a bit, of course, but mostly it tickled.
Apparently watching "Love Guru" is much worse than getting knifed in the testicles, but I might consider it if Jessica Alba threatens me with a knife.
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