This movie had one big positive going in: It could not possibly worse than the second one, right? Right? So freaking wrong! To be honest, it didn't start out so bad. In fact, the opening was cool (Well after the jokes between my father and I about how this was a musical). The first scene where we see our characters again was cool. Keira Knightley, in all her smoldering and snarling sexiness and Geoffrey Rush, back from the dead, lead the goofy band of too moronic to actually be good at pirating pirates, into some dark, steamy hole to meet up with Asian pirate, Chow Yun fat and the first band of Asian pirates in the movie. Don't worry later we get all kinds of stereotypical groups of pirates- more Asian pirates, a band of black pirates- you get the idea. This scene is strong because it is almost funny, has some cool fighting, a nice minor explosion and features soaking wet hotness, in the form of Orlando Bloom. Sadly, when this scene is over, the movie stumbles, wait no it just crash lands into the ground.
Jack Sparrow was swallowed by a giant vagina at the end of the last movie and now he is in Davey Jones' locker. This is where the movie hits bottom for the first time. Jack is all alone, but in his head he is leading the Black Pearl with a crew of Jack Sparrows. Yes, a whole bunch of obnoxious, stupid, bumbling and not-at-all funny Jack Sparrows are running around and one is clucking like a chicken and lays an egg. Why? Who knows, I guess to be funny, but sadly, no one was laughing. Then, Jack licks a rock, throws the rock and the rock turns into a crab. Then a whole bunch of rocks turn into a whole bunch of crabs and carry the ship to the water. I know, I know. What kind of drunken moron came up with this nonsense? Did the writers sit in a room, pass the weed and just write the first things that came to their minds? In case you want more, a running gag in the movie becomes Jack talking to other versions of himself. Yes, right on down to the mini Jack on each shoulder, telling him what he should do.
Everyone in this thing double crosses everyone else, but it is not nearly as confusing as people make it out to be. Perhaps though, I just stopped caring because this thing is just that bad. Orlando Bloom is trying to save his dad and whining about how Keira doesn't love him because Disney decided to try and force feed us a love triangle to appease those obnoxious IMDB fan girls who like to slam names together to create not-at-all cute nicknames like "willizabeth" or "Jackabeth." The day writers, directors and producers started looking towards web postings for plot lines, is the day the art died! Not even Geoffrey Rush manages to come out of this movie unscathed. His usual strong presence comes off way to far over the top to be interesting. Davey Jones love interest is revealed, but that entire plot line serves NO FUNCTION!! The goddess he loved creates the rainstorm the final battle takes place during, but like so much else in this movie, it is pointless.
There are also some coins that serve no purpose, unless they are specifically to set up the joke later in the movie about the junk pirates have and if that is the case, the joke needed to actually be funny, which it was not. And if you think I am just being harsh, 2 people in our theater actually laughed. The monkey and parrot are back and provide the only two very funny moments in this travesty of a film. Johnny Depp has lost an incredible amount of credibility with me and really has become Disney's bitch. There is nothing spectacular about this movie. The final battle feels rushed and lacks the wow that existed at the tail end of the second movie. Nothing in the movie makes sense and when it was over, I could not wait to get out of the theater. Yet, I was told to wait until after the credits for a scene, which I did. The scene is pointless. Shocking, I know! Why should the end have a point when the rest of the movie was void of having a point? Keira Knightley becomes the Pirate king and for a second I was actually hoping I had been brought back to Pioneer High's Pirates of Penzance, because at least that was funny. Keith Richards shows up in the most pointless cameo in the history of cameos as Jack's dad, but they exchange one sentence and his role could have been eliminated.
3 comments:
You made some valid points in regards to particular parts that could have been eliminated- but this isn't the main reason I felt prompted to write this comment. I could beg you not to take this the wrong way, but you likely will, so I will just get to the point- the grammar in that selection of writing was horrible. For a moment I actually paused and questioned if I was actually reading your writing. I only say this out of concern, because I know English is something you are passionate about, as well as the academic direction you have chosen. I'm not an expert, and I'm certainly not without fault in the grammar department...nevertheless, I want to stress that I am here at any time to look over any document that you seek critique or just general insight on.
I am only writing this because I care about you, and I know how much English means to you- I want to see you prosper in this field.
Well we have been through your inability to be an effective editor. With your wanting to change entire sections and not being constructive in your criticism. However, I did not proofread this before I posted, so I do not doubt that it stinks. I shall have to go over it at some point.
Thank you.
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